banzai jokes!
01-25-2006, 09:32 PM
#1
Senior Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2002
Location: California
Posts: 22,465
Now this is a diet plan!!!!
HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can
prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and
that's it... don't waste them on exercise.
Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your
heart will not make you live longer; that's like
saying you can extend the life of your car by
driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and
vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does
a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these?
Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an
efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your
system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good
source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a
pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended
daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy
is distilled wine, that means they take the water
out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the
goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain.
Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your
ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your
ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating
in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy
is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!... Foods are fried these
days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in
it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for
you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a
little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it
gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you
want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another
vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain
whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions
you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the
intention of arriving safely in an attractive and
well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways
- Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other -
body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and
screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride"
HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can
prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and
that's it... don't waste them on exercise.
Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your
heart will not make you live longer; that's like
saying you can extend the life of your car by
driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and
vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does
a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these?
Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an
efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your
system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good
source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a
pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended
daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy
is distilled wine, that means they take the water
out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the
goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain.
Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your
ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your
ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating
in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy
is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!... Foods are fried these
days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in
it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for
you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a
little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it
gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you
want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another
vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain
whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions
you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the
intention of arriving safely in an attractive and
well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways
- Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other -
body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and
screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride"
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