A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place.

The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard *****, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.



The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table---whole!"



Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard.



Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff".



He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the Monkey ate, then leaves.



Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a cherry on the bar.



He grabs it, sticks it up his ****, pulls it out, and eats it.



The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"

He asks.

"No, what?" replies the guy.

"Well, he stuck a cherry up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me", replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since the cue ball incident, he measures everything first."

Ring-Ring,



"Hello?"



"Hi, honey, this is daddy," ... "Is your mommy near the phone?"



"No, daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank,"



After a brief pause, daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"



"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with mommy, right now!"



"Uh, Okay, then...here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to mommy and Uncle Frank that daddy's car's just pulled up outside the house."



"Okay, daddy!"



A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.



"Well, I did what you said, daddy."



"And what happened?" he asks.



"Well, mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went flying out the front window and now she's all dead."



"Oh my God!!! And what about your Uncle Frank?"



"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's all real dead too."



***long pause***



Then daddy says, "Swimming pool??? Is this 328-9874?"

Police warn all male clubbers, party-goers and un-suspecting pub regulars to be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from a girl.



There is a date rape drug going around called "beer" and it is generally in liquid form. The drug is now being used by female sexual predators at parties to convince their male victims to have sex with them. The shocking statistic is that "beer" is available virtually anywhere!



All girls have to do is persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and simply ask the guy home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are literally rendered helpless against such attacks. After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sex acts on horrific looking women who they would never normally be attracted to.



Men often awaken after being given "beer" with only hazy memories of exactly what has happened to them the night before, just a vague feeling that something bad occurred. At other times these unfortunate men might be stung for their life's worth in a familiar scam know as "a relationship" - apparently men are easier victims for this scam after the "beer" has been administered and have already been sexually attacked.



However, if you fall victim to this insidious drug and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with a bunch of similarly-affected like-minded guys. For the nearest support group near you just look up 'Public House' in the yellow pages.

This Australian guy goes into a bar in the Greek Islands. Jill, the Australian barmaid takes his order and notices his Australian accent. Over the course of the night they talk quite a bit. At the end of the night he asks her if she wants to have sex with him. Although she is attracted to him she says no.



He then offers to pay her $200 for the deed. Jill is travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.



The next night the guy turns up again and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200.



She figures in for a penny in for a pound - and it was fantastic the night before - so she agrees.



This goes on for 5 nights.



On the sixth night the guy comes into the bar but this night he orders a beer and just goes and sits in the corner. Jill is disappointed and thinks that maybe she should pay him more attention.



She goes over and sits next to him and asks him where he is from and he tells her Melbourne.

"So am I" she says, "What suburb in Melbourne."

"Glen Iris" he says.

"That's amazing" she says, "so am I - what street?"

"Cameo street" he says.

"This is unbelievable" she says, "what number?"

He says "Number 20" and she is astonished.

"You are not going to believe this" she says, "I'm from number 22 and my parents still live there!"

"I know" he says "your father gave me $1,000 to give you!"

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.

Much in the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells.

Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.



The results of this in-depth epidemiological study verifies and validates the causal link between all-weekend parties and office performance.

It also explains why, after a few short years of leaving university and getting married, most people cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates.



Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieved during their early years.

So, drink that beer! Your company needs you to be at your peak, and you shouldn't deny yourself the career that you could have.

1.Your *** is never a factor in a job interview.

2.Your orgasms are real.Always.

3.Your last name stays put.

4.The garage is all yours.

5.Wedding plans take care of themselves.

6.You don't have to curl up next to a hairy *** every night.

7.Chocolate is just another snack.

8.You can be president.

9.You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

10. Foreplay is optional.

11. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.

12. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

13. You don't give a rat's *** if someone notices your new haircut.

14. The world is your urinal.

15. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

16. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.

17. Same work ... more pay.

18. Wrinkles add character.

19. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.

20. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.

21. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

22. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

23. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

24. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

25. **** movies are designed with you in mind.

26. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.

27. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with "So, notice anything different?"

28. One mood, ALL the damn time.

29. And don't forget...... Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

30. You know stuff about tanks.

31. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

32. You can open all your own jars.

33. Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.

34. You can go to a public toilet without a support group.

35. You can leave the motel bed unmade.

36. You can kill your own food.

37. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

38. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

39. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

40. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

41. Everything on your face stays its original color.

42. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

43. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

44. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.

45. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me."

46. No maxi-pads.

47. You don't mooch off other's desserts.

48. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

49. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.

50. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

51. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

52. You almost never have strap problems in public.

53. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

54. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

55. You don't have to shave below your neck.

56. Your belly usually hides your big hips.

57. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

58. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.

59. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

60. Christmas shopping can be accomplished on December 24th, in 45 minutes.