Jokes of the day
09-06-2002, 08:45 AM
#1
Senior Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2002
Posts: 643
here's some jokes
Cheese Sandwich
A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign hanging up which reads:
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00
Checking his wallet, he walks up to the bar and beckons to Liz, one of three attractive women serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.
"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile. "Can I help you?"
"I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the handjobs?"
"Yes," Liz purrs. "I am."
The man replies, "Well wash your freakin' hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"
Cheese Sandwich
A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign hanging up which reads:
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00
Checking his wallet, he walks up to the bar and beckons to Liz, one of three attractive women serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.
"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile. "Can I help you?"
"I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the handjobs?"
"Yes," Liz purrs. "I am."
The man replies, "Well wash your freakin' hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"
09-06-2002, 08:46 AM
#2
Senior Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2002
Posts: 643
Counting Condoms
A boy goes to the drug store with his dad and sees the condom display.
Boy: "Dad, why do they do packs of one condom?"
Dad: "Those are for the high-schoolers for Friday nights."
Boy: "So, why do they make packs of three?"
Dad: "For the college guys for Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights."
Boy: "Then why do they make packs of 12?"
Dad: "Those are for married couples -- you know, January, February, March."
A boy goes to the drug store with his dad and sees the condom display.
Boy: "Dad, why do they do packs of one condom?"
Dad: "Those are for the high-schoolers for Friday nights."
Boy: "So, why do they make packs of three?"
Dad: "For the college guys for Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights."
Boy: "Then why do they make packs of 12?"
Dad: "Those are for married couples -- you know, January, February, March."
09-06-2002, 08:48 AM
#3
Senior Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2002
Posts: 643
Old Beaver
Johnny was playing outside when he really had to go to the bathroom. He runs in and his grandma was about to take a shower. He looks at her crotch and says, "Whats that" She says, "Well, it's a beaver, Johnny."
The next day the same thing happens, only his mom is taking the shower. He says, "Mom I know what that is. It's a beaver, but I think grandma's is dead because it's tongue is hanging out."
Johnny was playing outside when he really had to go to the bathroom. He runs in and his grandma was about to take a shower. He looks at her crotch and says, "Whats that" She says, "Well, it's a beaver, Johnny."
The next day the same thing happens, only his mom is taking the shower. He says, "Mom I know what that is. It's a beaver, but I think grandma's is dead because it's tongue is hanging out."
09-06-2002, 08:49 AM
#4
Senior Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2002
Posts: 643
next one i heard it b4...still somewhat funny
Gay Father Christmas
It is Christmas Eve and this chap is on a rooftop about to jump off. His wife is leaving him for another man, he has lost his job and he owes thousands of pounds to the bank. Just as he finishes his prayers and closes his eyes, ready to jump, Father Christmas taps him on the shoulder.
"Are you OK?" asks Father Christmas.
The man explains why he is so miserable and gets ready to jump.
"Stop!" shouts Father Christmas. "It is Christmas, I will grant you three wishes to solve your problems on the understanding that you will grant me a small favour in return!"
"Would you?" the man replies. "That would be wonderful!!...Thank you, thank you!"
Father Christmas promises him that:
1. You shall go home in 1 hour and your wife will be dressed in her sexiest underwear, begging for forgiveness and longing for your return, she will have no recollection of her new boyfriend.
2. You shall go into work tomorrow, sit at your desk and continue with your work. Your salary will have increased by 50%. Also, nobody will have any recollection of your sacking.
3. You shall go to your bank and you will be ten thousand pounds in credit, you will have no outstanding bills. "Oh thank you, thank you!" says the man. "What is it that I can do for you?" Father Christmas asks the man to drop his pants and bend over.
After a quite brutal Rogering, which made his eyes water, Father Christmas asks the man how old he is.
"36" replies the man.
"Ho, Ho, Ho, You're a bit old to believe in Father Christmas aren't you!?" chuckled the fat gay in fancy dress
Gay Father Christmas
It is Christmas Eve and this chap is on a rooftop about to jump off. His wife is leaving him for another man, he has lost his job and he owes thousands of pounds to the bank. Just as he finishes his prayers and closes his eyes, ready to jump, Father Christmas taps him on the shoulder.
"Are you OK?" asks Father Christmas.
The man explains why he is so miserable and gets ready to jump.
"Stop!" shouts Father Christmas. "It is Christmas, I will grant you three wishes to solve your problems on the understanding that you will grant me a small favour in return!"
"Would you?" the man replies. "That would be wonderful!!...Thank you, thank you!"
Father Christmas promises him that:
1. You shall go home in 1 hour and your wife will be dressed in her sexiest underwear, begging for forgiveness and longing for your return, she will have no recollection of her new boyfriend.
2. You shall go into work tomorrow, sit at your desk and continue with your work. Your salary will have increased by 50%. Also, nobody will have any recollection of your sacking.
3. You shall go to your bank and you will be ten thousand pounds in credit, you will have no outstanding bills. "Oh thank you, thank you!" says the man. "What is it that I can do for you?" Father Christmas asks the man to drop his pants and bend over.
After a quite brutal Rogering, which made his eyes water, Father Christmas asks the man how old he is.
"36" replies the man.
"Ho, Ho, Ho, You're a bit old to believe in Father Christmas aren't you!?" chuckled the fat gay in fancy dress
09-06-2002, 08:51 AM
#5
Senior Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2002
Posts: 643
another one...
Medical Machine
One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."
His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."
Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.
Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.
Medical Machine
One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."
His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."
Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.
Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.
09-06-2002, 08:56 AM
#9
Senior Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2002
Posts: 643
LOL on that one
The Gynecologist
A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh.
Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes", she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That is right", said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts.
"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.
"Yes", the woman said, "You're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."
"Correct", replied the shady doctor. Finally, he jumped on his patient and started having sex with her.
He asked, "Do you know what Im doing now?"
"Yes", she said, "You're getting herpes; because that's why I came here in the first place."
The Gynecologist
A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh.
Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes", she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That is right", said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts.
"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.
"Yes", the woman said, "You're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."
"Correct", replied the shady doctor. Finally, he jumped on his patient and started having sex with her.
He asked, "Do you know what Im doing now?"
"Yes", she said, "You're getting herpes; because that's why I came here in the first place."
09-06-2002, 08:58 AM
#10
Senior Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2002
Posts: 643
this one makes my legs shake
20 Things the perfect girl may say...
1) I'll swallow it all... I love the taste.
2) Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
3) I'm bored. Let's shave my *****!
4) Shouldn't you be down the pub with your mates?
5) That fart was great! Do another one!
6) I've decided to stop wearing clothes in the house.
7) You're so sexy with a hangover.
8) I'd rather go and play Virtual Fighter than go shopping.
9) Let's start subscribing to Penthouse.
10) Would you like to see a video of me going down on my girlfriend?
11) Just for a change can we try **** sex tonight?
12) I really like football, can you take me to a game.
13) You'd better drive, you're far safer than I am, and besides everyone knows women can't drive.
14) Actually we shouldn't have been given the vote, we're better off in the kitchen.
15) I think a big motorbike is a good idea.
16) I don't care if my bum looks big in this, let's just go and get pissed.
17) We haven't gone out with your mates for a while, shall we all go to Stringfellows.
18) Why can't you let your hair down and have a few vodka chasers with me.
19) I know you're already late for work, but can I gag on it just one more time.
20) Aim where you like, it's really good for my skin.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
20 Things the perfect girl may say...
1) I'll swallow it all... I love the taste.
2) Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
3) I'm bored. Let's shave my *****!
4) Shouldn't you be down the pub with your mates?
5) That fart was great! Do another one!
6) I've decided to stop wearing clothes in the house.
7) You're so sexy with a hangover.
8) I'd rather go and play Virtual Fighter than go shopping.
9) Let's start subscribing to Penthouse.
10) Would you like to see a video of me going down on my girlfriend?
11) Just for a change can we try **** sex tonight?
12) I really like football, can you take me to a game.
13) You'd better drive, you're far safer than I am, and besides everyone knows women can't drive.
14) Actually we shouldn't have been given the vote, we're better off in the kitchen.
15) I think a big motorbike is a good idea.
16) I don't care if my bum looks big in this, let's just go and get pissed.
17) We haven't gone out with your mates for a while, shall we all go to Stringfellows.
18) Why can't you let your hair down and have a few vodka chasers with me.
19) I know you're already late for work, but can I gag on it just one more time.
20) Aim where you like, it's really good for my skin.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------