Some Jokes
08-20-2003, 01:39 AM
#1
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Kunsan AB, Korea (used to be vegas!)
Posts: 263
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game . The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."
This catches the blonde's attention and figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn."
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he send e-mails to all his friends and co-workers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00 and goes back to sleep.
And you thought blondes were dumb.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."
This catches the blonde's attention and figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn."
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he send e-mails to all his friends and co-workers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00 and goes back to sleep.
And you thought blondes were dumb.
08-20-2003, 02:00 AM
#2
Senior Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Kunsan AB, Korea (used to be vegas!)
Posts: 263
more
DARK IN HERE!!!
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.
Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.
The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside.
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove.
Let's go outside and toss the baseball."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says, "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.
That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that **** again"
DARK IN HERE!!!
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.
Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.
The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside.
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove.
Let's go outside and toss the baseball."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says, "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.
That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that **** again"
08-20-2003, 02:03 AM
#3
Senior Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Kunsan AB, Korea (used to be vegas!)
Posts: 263
Q: What is better than winning a medal at the Special Olympics?
A: Not being retarded
--------
Q: What's blue and ***** old people?
A: Hypothermia
--------
Q: What's the first thing a woman does when she gets out of the
battered wives' shelter?
A: The dishes if she knows what's good for her
--------
Q: How do you swat 200 flies at one time
A: Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan.
-------
Q: What is the definition of "making love"?
A: Something a woman does while a guy is f*cking her.
-------
Q: What do 54,000 abused woman every year have in common?
A: They don't ******* listen.
-------
Q: What's yellow and green and eats nuts?
A: Gonorrhoea
-------
Q: Why did God create yeast infections?
A: So women would know what it's like to live with an irritating
**** once in a while too.
-------
Q. How can you tell a macho woman?
A. She rolls her own tampons.
--------
Q. What's the difference between a woman and a sheep?
A. The sheep doesn't get upset if you screw her sister.
--------
Q. What's the difference between acne and a Michael Jackson?
A. Acne usually doesn't come on a kid's face until he's at least
13 years old.
--------
Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A. Marry it.
---------
Q. What do you get when you cross two black people?
A. Your *** kicked.
--------
Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
--------
Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance?
A. Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.
-------
Q. What's the difference between mayonnaise & semen?
A. Mayonnaise doesn't hit the back of a girl's throat at thirty
miles an hour.
-------
Q. Why do women call it PMS?
A. Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
-------
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your
new car.
-------
Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
-------
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
------
Q. How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
A. The cake jumps out of the girl.
------
Q. What's the difference between oral sex & **** sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, **** sex makes your hole weak.
-------
Q. What's so good about an Ethiopian *******?
A. You know she'll swallow.
-------
Q. Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on
the same day in Iraq?
A. They don't want to wear out the camel.
-------
Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish
wife?
A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelery.
---------
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
--------
Q. How do the little boys at Michael Jackson's ranch know when it
is bedtime?
A. When the big hand touches the little hand...
-------
Q. How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the
house?
A. Look inside your pants; if you have a *****, it's not time.
--------
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the animals that kick.
-------
Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.
A: Not being retarded
--------
Q: What's blue and ***** old people?
A: Hypothermia
--------
Q: What's the first thing a woman does when she gets out of the
battered wives' shelter?
A: The dishes if she knows what's good for her
--------
Q: How do you swat 200 flies at one time
A: Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan.
-------
Q: What is the definition of "making love"?
A: Something a woman does while a guy is f*cking her.
-------
Q: What do 54,000 abused woman every year have in common?
A: They don't ******* listen.
-------
Q: What's yellow and green and eats nuts?
A: Gonorrhoea
-------
Q: Why did God create yeast infections?
A: So women would know what it's like to live with an irritating
**** once in a while too.
-------
Q. How can you tell a macho woman?
A. She rolls her own tampons.
--------
Q. What's the difference between a woman and a sheep?
A. The sheep doesn't get upset if you screw her sister.
--------
Q. What's the difference between acne and a Michael Jackson?
A. Acne usually doesn't come on a kid's face until he's at least
13 years old.
--------
Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A. Marry it.
---------
Q. What do you get when you cross two black people?
A. Your *** kicked.
--------
Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
--------
Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance?
A. Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.
-------
Q. What's the difference between mayonnaise & semen?
A. Mayonnaise doesn't hit the back of a girl's throat at thirty
miles an hour.
-------
Q. Why do women call it PMS?
A. Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
-------
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your
new car.
-------
Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
-------
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
------
Q. How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
A. The cake jumps out of the girl.
------
Q. What's the difference between oral sex & **** sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, **** sex makes your hole weak.
-------
Q. What's so good about an Ethiopian *******?
A. You know she'll swallow.
-------
Q. Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on
the same day in Iraq?
A. They don't want to wear out the camel.
-------
Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish
wife?
A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelery.
---------
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
--------
Q. How do the little boys at Michael Jackson's ranch know when it
is bedtime?
A. When the big hand touches the little hand...
-------
Q. How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the
house?
A. Look inside your pants; if you have a *****, it's not time.
--------
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the animals that kick.
-------
Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.
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