Some Peter Kay Jokes
04-28-2005, 01:57 PM
#1
Senior Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Ireland
Posts: 907
As the official nopistons honorary-English resident, I bring you a sample of one of Englands finest comedians. Enjoy.
Peter Kay's one liners:
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said,
"Thyroid problem?"
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
realised, God doesn't work that
way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me
I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't
get my wife to go swimming.
I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step
ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any
time'. So I ordered French toast during the
Renaissance
Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of
different names but one day I turned to my bullies
and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but
names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there
on it was sticks and stones all the way
My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire',
which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire
brigade
Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a
good partner, you'd better have a good hand
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My
neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No,
Six should be enough'
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are
they made out of meat?
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get
all nervous and give the wrong answers
You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.
Peter Kay's questions:
Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you
get undressed?
If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all
the way down to the core of the earth?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth
closed?
Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling
your a*se?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first
thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob,
and I am an alcoholic'?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the
freezer?
Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through
mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the
toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say,
'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and
drink whatever comes out'?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for
the time, but don't point to their crotch when they
ask where the bathroom is?
What do you call male ballerinas?
Why is a person that handles your money called a
'Broker'?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is
made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made
from?
Why is it that when someone tells you that there are
over a billion stars in the universe, you believe
them, but if they tell you there is wet paint
somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet
Spagetti?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's
face, he gets mad at you but when you take him on a
car ride, he sticks his head out of the window?
Peter Kay's Universal Truths:
Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones
At the end of every party there is always a girl
crying
One of the most awkward things that can happen in a
pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets
synchronised with a complete stranger
You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green
crisps
Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the
digits 55378008 into a calculator - then turned the
figures upside down
Reading when you're drunk is horrible
Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel
really manly
You're never quite sure whether it's against the law
or not to have a fire in your back garden
Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl
You never know where to look when eating a banana
Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat
Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly
Rummaging in an overgrow garden will always turn up
a bouncy ball
You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses
Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into
your school
The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it
would kill you at the first given opportunity
Some days you see lots of people on crutches
Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee,
flushed half way through and then raced against the
flush
Old women with mobile phones look wrong
Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a
Frisbee
Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited
You never ever run out of salt
Old ladies can eat more than you think
You can't respect a man who carries a dog
There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel
when you've got your hand or head stuck in something
No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers
Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody
who has had their arm broken by a swan
The most painful household incident is wearing socks
and stepping on an upturned plug
People who don't drive slam car doors too hard
You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a
thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with
Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose
Bricks are horrible to carry
In every plate of chips there is a bad chip
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is
not putting it in a fruit salad
Mark
Peter Kay's one liners:
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said,
"Thyroid problem?"
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
realised, God doesn't work that
way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me
I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't
get my wife to go swimming.
I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step
ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any
time'. So I ordered French toast during the
Renaissance
Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of
different names but one day I turned to my bullies
and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but
names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there
on it was sticks and stones all the way
My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire',
which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire
brigade
Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a
good partner, you'd better have a good hand
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My
neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No,
Six should be enough'
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are
they made out of meat?
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get
all nervous and give the wrong answers
You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.
Peter Kay's questions:
Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you
get undressed?
If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all
the way down to the core of the earth?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth
closed?
Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling
your a*se?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first
thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob,
and I am an alcoholic'?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the
freezer?
Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through
mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the
toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say,
'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and
drink whatever comes out'?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for
the time, but don't point to their crotch when they
ask where the bathroom is?
What do you call male ballerinas?
Why is a person that handles your money called a
'Broker'?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is
made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made
from?
Why is it that when someone tells you that there are
over a billion stars in the universe, you believe
them, but if they tell you there is wet paint
somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet
Spagetti?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's
face, he gets mad at you but when you take him on a
car ride, he sticks his head out of the window?
Peter Kay's Universal Truths:
Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones
At the end of every party there is always a girl
crying
One of the most awkward things that can happen in a
pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets
synchronised with a complete stranger
You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green
crisps
Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the
digits 55378008 into a calculator - then turned the
figures upside down
Reading when you're drunk is horrible
Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel
really manly
You're never quite sure whether it's against the law
or not to have a fire in your back garden
Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl
You never know where to look when eating a banana
Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat
Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly
Rummaging in an overgrow garden will always turn up
a bouncy ball
You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses
Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into
your school
The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it
would kill you at the first given opportunity
Some days you see lots of people on crutches
Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee,
flushed half way through and then raced against the
flush
Old women with mobile phones look wrong
Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a
Frisbee
Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited
You never ever run out of salt
Old ladies can eat more than you think
You can't respect a man who carries a dog
There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel
when you've got your hand or head stuck in something
No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers
Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody
who has had their arm broken by a swan
The most painful household incident is wearing socks
and stepping on an upturned plug
People who don't drive slam car doors too hard
You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a
thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with
Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose
Bricks are horrible to carry
In every plate of chips there is a bad chip
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is
not putting it in a fruit salad
Mark
