Give Me Jokes Damnit!
08-06-2003, 02:44 PM
#11
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: London, Ontario
Posts: 2,871
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.
Much in the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells.
Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
The results of this in-depth epidemiological study verifies and validates the causal link between all-weekend parties and office performance.
It also explains why, after a few short years of leaving university and getting married, most people cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates.
Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieved during their early years.
So, drink that beer! Your company needs you to be at your peak, and you shouldn't deny yourself the career that you could have.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.
Much in the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells.
Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
The results of this in-depth epidemiological study verifies and validates the causal link between all-weekend parties and office performance.
It also explains why, after a few short years of leaving university and getting married, most people cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates.
Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieved during their early years.
So, drink that beer! Your company needs you to be at your peak, and you shouldn't deny yourself the career that you could have.
08-06-2003, 02:51 PM
#12
Member
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 35
A kid got on a bus, went to the back and sat down next to an old man. After sitting, he opened his brown paper bag, pulled out a handful of candy and started eating it. The old man noticed this and said, "You know sonny, you shouldn't be eating all that candy. It'll rot your teeth; It'll make you hyper-active; it'll give diabetes and it's expensive. A young man like you should be outside, playing a healthy game of ball."
The kid looked at the old man and said, "You know, my grandfather lived until he was 93 years old."
The old man replied, "Oh did he eat a lot of candy?"
"No, he just minded his own damn business!"
The kid looked at the old man and said, "You know, my grandfather lived until he was 93 years old."
The old man replied, "Oh did he eat a lot of candy?"
"No, he just minded his own damn business!"
08-06-2003, 02:59 PM
#13
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: London, Ontario
Posts: 2,871
A young man had seriously dated three girls and was finally faced with the dilemma of which to marry. As a test he gave each of them one thousand dollars.
The first girl went for a complete hair and face make over, new clothes, and new shoes. She returned to show off her new look saying, "I want to be at my most beautiful for you. Why? Because I love you, dear."
The second girl returned with new hockey and golf equipment, a new stereo, VCR, and month's supply of beer saying, "I bought all these things for you. They're my gifts to you, because I love you so."
The third girl invested the $1,000 wisely and very quickly doubled her original amount. She reinvested the profits which continued to multiply and returned the first thousand to the young man saying, "I have taken your money and made it grow as an investment in our future together. That's how much I love you, my dear."
The young man was very impressed by all of their responses. He then gave long and careful consideration and finally married the one with the biggest breasts.
The first girl went for a complete hair and face make over, new clothes, and new shoes. She returned to show off her new look saying, "I want to be at my most beautiful for you. Why? Because I love you, dear."
The second girl returned with new hockey and golf equipment, a new stereo, VCR, and month's supply of beer saying, "I bought all these things for you. They're my gifts to you, because I love you so."
The third girl invested the $1,000 wisely and very quickly doubled her original amount. She reinvested the profits which continued to multiply and returned the first thousand to the young man saying, "I have taken your money and made it grow as an investment in our future together. That's how much I love you, my dear."
The young man was very impressed by all of their responses. He then gave long and careful consideration and finally married the one with the biggest breasts.
08-06-2003, 06:52 PM
#14
Super Moderator
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Savannah, Ga
Posts: 2,763
A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster—one that would service all of his many hens. When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied: “I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!”
So the farmer took Henry back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house, though, he gave Henry a little pep talk: “Henry,” he said, “I’m counting on you to do your stuff.” And without a word, Henry strutted into the henhouse.
Henry was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, until Henry had finished having his way with each hen. But Henry didn’t stop there.
Henry went into the barn and mounted all of the horses, one by one, and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig house, where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief cried out, “Stop, Henry!! You’ll kill yourself!!”
But Henry continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.
Well, the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Henry lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Henry. The farmer walked up to Henry saying, “Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you’ve gone and killed yourself. I warned you little buddy.”
“Shhhhhhh,” Henry whispered, “The buzzard’s getting closer.”
So the farmer took Henry back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house, though, he gave Henry a little pep talk: “Henry,” he said, “I’m counting on you to do your stuff.” And without a word, Henry strutted into the henhouse.
Henry was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, until Henry had finished having his way with each hen. But Henry didn’t stop there.
Henry went into the barn and mounted all of the horses, one by one, and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig house, where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief cried out, “Stop, Henry!! You’ll kill yourself!!”
But Henry continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.
Well, the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Henry lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Henry. The farmer walked up to Henry saying, “Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you’ve gone and killed yourself. I warned you little buddy.”
“Shhhhhhh,” Henry whispered, “The buzzard’s getting closer.”
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