Tell Me A Joke
03-31-2005, 03:07 PM
#3
Super Moderator
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: VA
Posts: 2,532
This has long been one of my favorites...
George the Mailman
It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate lovemaking he had ever experienced.
When he had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, '**** him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."
George the Mailman
It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate lovemaking he had ever experienced.
When he had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, '**** him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."
03-31-2005, 03:29 PM
#5
Super Moderator
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: VA
Posts: 2,532
You could use that one. Just substitute "screw him" for "**** him."
Or you could try this one, but it's not as good:
A store that sells husbands has just opened in Ottawa where a
woman may go to choose a husband from among many men.
The store is comprised of six floors and the men increase in
positive attributes as the Shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch.
As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that
floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to
exit the building.
So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These Men have jobs.
The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's
better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further
up?"
So up she goes.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder
what's further up?"
And up she goes again.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely
good looking.
"Hmmm, definitely better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"
The fourth floor sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good
looking and help with the housework.
"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "Very tempting. BUT, there must be more
further up!" and again she heads up another flight.
The fifth floor sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good
looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic
streak.
"Oh, mercy me! But just think...what must be awaiting me
further on?"
So up to the sixth floor she goes. The sixth floor sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 39,456,789,012 to this floor. There are
no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women
are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping Husband Mart and
have a nice day!
Or you could try this one, but it's not as good:
A store that sells husbands has just opened in Ottawa where a
woman may go to choose a husband from among many men.
The store is comprised of six floors and the men increase in
positive attributes as the Shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch.
As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that
floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to
exit the building.
So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These Men have jobs.
The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's
better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further
up?"
So up she goes.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder
what's further up?"
And up she goes again.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely
good looking.
"Hmmm, definitely better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"
The fourth floor sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good
looking and help with the housework.
"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "Very tempting. BUT, there must be more
further up!" and again she heads up another flight.
The fifth floor sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good
looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic
streak.
"Oh, mercy me! But just think...what must be awaiting me
further on?"
So up to the sixth floor she goes. The sixth floor sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 39,456,789,012 to this floor. There are
no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women
are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping Husband Mart and
have a nice day!
03-31-2005, 03:32 PM
#7
Super Moderator
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: VA
Posts: 2,532
Alright, this one is sure to be a hit with your female co-worker. Who knows, it may stimulate some interesting conversation.
Woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions,"
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc., and then asks, "What is your occupation?"
"I'm a *****," she says.
The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no, that will never work. That is much too brash. Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-class call girl."
"No, that is still too crude. Try again."
They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a ***** or a call girl?"
Well, I raised over 5,000 little peckers last year.
Woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions,"
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc., and then asks, "What is your occupation?"
"I'm a *****," she says.
The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no, that will never work. That is much too brash. Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-class call girl."
"No, that is still too crude. Try again."
They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a ***** or a call girl?"
Well, I raised over 5,000 little peckers last year.
03-31-2005, 03:40 PM
#9
Super Moderator
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: VA
Posts: 2,532
This "Little Johnny" classic isn't long, but I'm afraid it isn't particularly clean, either.
One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show
of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little
Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said. Excellent, Michael!"
Then, the teacher called on little Johnny.
"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, "Beautiful, ... ******* beautiful!
One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show
of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little
Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said. Excellent, Michael!"
Then, the teacher called on little Johnny.
"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, "Beautiful, ... ******* beautiful!