Some Christmas Humour...
12-14-2004, 10:45 AM
#1
Senior Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Ireland
Posts: 907
Christmas Carols from the psychiatric ward…
Schizophrenia
Do you hear what I hear?
Multiple Personality Disorder
We three queens disoriented are
Dementia
I think I'll be home for Christmas
Narcissistic Disorder
Hark the Herald Angels sing about me
Manic
Deck the halls and walls and house and lawn and streets and shops and
cars and buses and trees and everything else with holly
Paranoid
Santa Claus is coming to get me
Suicidal
Thoughts of roasting on an open fire
Attention Deficit Disorder
You'd better watch out, I'm gonna cry, I'm gonna pout, maybe I'll shout
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells,
jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells,
jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells,
jingle bells
Vodka & Red Bull Christmas Cake
Ingredients:
1 cup water
1 cup of brown sugar
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
Lemon Juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle of Vodka
1 can of Red Bull
2 cups dried fruit
Method:
1. Sample the vodka to check the quality.
2. Take a large bowl, check the vodka again.
3. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and mix with a little red bull and drink.
4. Repeat.
5. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
6. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.
7. At this point its is best to make sure the vodka is still ok.
8. Flavour with red bull to taste.
9. Try another cup - just in case turn off the mixerer.
10. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
11. Pick fruit off floor
12. Mix on the turner.
13. If the dried fruit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
14. Shample the vodka to check for tonsisticitity, flavour with a little Bed Rull.
15. Next ssiffft two cups of salt. Or something … Who giveshz a shi**
16. Throw a pinch of Bed Rull over your shoulder
17. Pick up the can, mop the floor
18. Check the vodka
19. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
20. Add one table.
21. Add a shpoon of shugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
22. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over..
23. Don't forget to beat off the turner
24. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the vodka and kick the dog.
25. Fall into bed.
CHERRY MISTMAS
Mark
Schizophrenia
Do you hear what I hear?
Multiple Personality Disorder
We three queens disoriented are
Dementia
I think I'll be home for Christmas
Narcissistic Disorder
Hark the Herald Angels sing about me
Manic
Deck the halls and walls and house and lawn and streets and shops and
cars and buses and trees and everything else with holly
Paranoid
Santa Claus is coming to get me
Suicidal
Thoughts of roasting on an open fire
Attention Deficit Disorder
You'd better watch out, I'm gonna cry, I'm gonna pout, maybe I'll shout
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells,
jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells,
jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells,
jingle bells
Vodka & Red Bull Christmas Cake
Ingredients:
1 cup water
1 cup of brown sugar
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
Lemon Juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle of Vodka
1 can of Red Bull
2 cups dried fruit
Method:
1. Sample the vodka to check the quality.
2. Take a large bowl, check the vodka again.
3. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and mix with a little red bull and drink.
4. Repeat.
5. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
6. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.
7. At this point its is best to make sure the vodka is still ok.
8. Flavour with red bull to taste.
9. Try another cup - just in case turn off the mixerer.
10. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
11. Pick fruit off floor
12. Mix on the turner.
13. If the dried fruit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
14. Shample the vodka to check for tonsisticitity, flavour with a little Bed Rull.
15. Next ssiffft two cups of salt. Or something … Who giveshz a shi**
16. Throw a pinch of Bed Rull over your shoulder
17. Pick up the can, mop the floor
18. Check the vodka
19. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
20. Add one table.
21. Add a shpoon of shugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
22. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over..
23. Don't forget to beat off the turner
24. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the vodka and kick the dog.
25. Fall into bed.
CHERRY MISTMAS
Mark
12-14-2004, 01:50 PM
#5
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2001
Posts: 2,284
Here's a joke with a Christmas theme. (copied and pasted from some webpage out there)
Herman and Martha were happily married for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up Martha and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. Herman told her that he couldn't help it.
She begged him to visit a doctor to see if anything could be done, but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function, and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out."
The years went by and Martha continued to suffer and Herman continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one Christmas morning.
Before dawn, Martha went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed Christmas pudding, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey. While she was taking out the turkeys innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's problem.
With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake. While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal.
Several hours later she heard Herman awake with his normal loud *** trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom. Martha could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even.
About twenty minutes later, Herman came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter.
"Honey," he said. "You were right - all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked Martha.
"Well, you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got them all back in.
Herman and Martha were happily married for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up Martha and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. Herman told her that he couldn't help it.
She begged him to visit a doctor to see if anything could be done, but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function, and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out."
The years went by and Martha continued to suffer and Herman continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one Christmas morning.
Before dawn, Martha went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed Christmas pudding, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey. While she was taking out the turkeys innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's problem.
With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake. While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal.
Several hours later she heard Herman awake with his normal loud *** trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom. Martha could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even.
About twenty minutes later, Herman came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter.
"Honey," he said. "You were right - all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked Martha.
"Well, you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got them all back in.
12-16-2004, 07:48 AM
#7
Senior Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Ireland
Posts: 907
My husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other
day so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood it
turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big f*ckin' red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond !!!!
_________________________________________________
A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he's
pulled over by the Police.The police officer approaches him and asks:
"Have you been drinking Sir?"
Why?" asks the man, "Was I driving badly?"
No" replies the Officer, "You were driving splendidly.
It was the ugly fat bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious"
__________________________________________________
Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show
off his new flat. After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed
by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge.
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.
"Why, that's my Speaking Clock", the man replied.
"How does it work?", asked the guest.
"I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with
an unpadded hammer.
Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed,
"For f**ks sake, it's twenty to two in the f*c*ing morning!"
__________________________________________________
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.At
the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they
accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan.
They open the casket and find that the woman is Actually alive.
She lived for ten more years, and then dies peacefully.A ceremony is again
held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers
are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out,
"Watch the f*cking wall!""
Two builders (Chris and James) are seated either side of a table in a
rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool
at the bar.
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit...
Chris: - I reckon he's an accountant.
James: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
Chris: - He ain't no stockbroker ! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here.
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer
gets the better of Chris and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet
he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several
beers get the better of the builder...
Chris: - Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were
wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken ! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession!
Chris: - Oh ! What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ...Do you have a goldfish at home?
Chris: - Er ... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in
a pond. Which is it?
Chris: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large
garden then?
Chris: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you
have a large garden then you have a large house?
Chris: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house... built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is
logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are
quite probably married?
Chris: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually
active with your wife on a regular basis.
Chris:- Yep! Four nights a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not **********
very often?
Chris: - Me? Never
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Chris: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you
about your sex life!
Chris: - I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Chris returns to his mate.
James: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Chris: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
James: - What's that then?
Chris: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
James: - Nope.
Chris: - Well then, you're a w*nker.
Mark
day so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood it
turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big f*ckin' red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond !!!!
_________________________________________________
A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he's
pulled over by the Police.The police officer approaches him and asks:
"Have you been drinking Sir?"
Why?" asks the man, "Was I driving badly?"
No" replies the Officer, "You were driving splendidly.
It was the ugly fat bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious"
__________________________________________________
Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show
off his new flat. After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed
by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge.
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.
"Why, that's my Speaking Clock", the man replied.
"How does it work?", asked the guest.
"I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with
an unpadded hammer.
Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed,
"For f**ks sake, it's twenty to two in the f*c*ing morning!"
__________________________________________________
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.At
the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they
accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan.
They open the casket and find that the woman is Actually alive.
She lived for ten more years, and then dies peacefully.A ceremony is again
held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers
are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out,
"Watch the f*cking wall!""
Two builders (Chris and James) are seated either side of a table in a
rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool
at the bar.
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit...
Chris: - I reckon he's an accountant.
James: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
Chris: - He ain't no stockbroker ! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here.
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer
gets the better of Chris and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet
he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several
beers get the better of the builder...
Chris: - Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were
wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken ! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession!
Chris: - Oh ! What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ...Do you have a goldfish at home?
Chris: - Er ... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in
a pond. Which is it?
Chris: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large
garden then?
Chris: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you
have a large garden then you have a large house?
Chris: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house... built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is
logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are
quite probably married?
Chris: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually
active with your wife on a regular basis.
Chris:- Yep! Four nights a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not **********
very often?
Chris: - Me? Never
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Chris: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you
about your sex life!
Chris: - I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Chris returns to his mate.
James: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Chris: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
James: - What's that then?
Chris: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
James: - Nope.
Chris: - Well then, you're a w*nker.
Mark
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