A little humor for the day....
06-19-2002, 05:25 PM
#1
Administrator
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2001
Location: Stuart, FL
Posts: 24,416
I thought this was pretty funny, maybe it is the medication:
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around looking for valuables, and when he picked up a VCR to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a long vacation after his next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot ...
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the heck are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"
The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that would name a 140 pound Rottweiler Jesus."
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around looking for valuables, and when he picked up a VCR to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a long vacation after his next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot ...
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the heck are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"
The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that would name a 140 pound Rottweiler Jesus."
06-19-2002, 05:30 PM
#3
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: transylvania
Posts: 3,620
a young boy is walking to elemantary skool one morning and he passes by a ***** house. one of the whroes looks out hte window and says "hey thare little guy" and waves her little pinky at him. he keeps walking... this continues every morning for about a week and the boy finally gets annoyed and says "hey lady whats the deal with u waving ur pinky and saying hi little guy to me" and the ***** replies that it is a joke at how small his ***** is. so the next day the ***** says "hi little guy" and waves her pinky at him. but this time the boy dumps the contents of his bookbag on the groud and opens it up so that it catches the wind and says "HI THERE *****"
06-19-2002, 07:34 PM
#7
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Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Close enough to annoy you.
Posts: 1,381
Before I post this, you still have time to not read it.
Once upon a time there was the scientist who specialized in marine life, namely porpoises. He had spent long years studying the creatures and finally got a grant from the goverment to build an area in the back of his home to study the creatures, allowing him to make a very realistic area for them to live.
Over time the scientist noticed that the porpoises did not seem to be aging as fast as they would in the wild. He theorized that the creatures may well have become immortal for some reason while in captivity. He decided to prolong the experiment and make things even more realistic by gathering some sea gulls from the beach to put in the animals area.
While he is out capturing the gulls, a lion escaped from the local zoo and took up residence on the scientist's doorstep. He returns home to find this lion, along with the police, fire department and animal control all standing outside trying to figure out what to do. Frantically he pleaded with the police to let him through but they would not allow him.
After what seemed an enternity (much like reading this whole thing) animal control finally tranquilized the lion.
The scientist ran towards the door, sea gulls in hand wanting to make sure his precious porpoises were ok. As he stepped across the lion to get into his house, the police aressted him and threw him in jail. Do you know why?
WARNING LAST CHANCE TO STOP!
He was transporting gulls across a stayed lion for immortal porpoises.
Once upon a time there was the scientist who specialized in marine life, namely porpoises. He had spent long years studying the creatures and finally got a grant from the goverment to build an area in the back of his home to study the creatures, allowing him to make a very realistic area for them to live.
Over time the scientist noticed that the porpoises did not seem to be aging as fast as they would in the wild. He theorized that the creatures may well have become immortal for some reason while in captivity. He decided to prolong the experiment and make things even more realistic by gathering some sea gulls from the beach to put in the animals area.
While he is out capturing the gulls, a lion escaped from the local zoo and took up residence on the scientist's doorstep. He returns home to find this lion, along with the police, fire department and animal control all standing outside trying to figure out what to do. Frantically he pleaded with the police to let him through but they would not allow him.
After what seemed an enternity (much like reading this whole thing) animal control finally tranquilized the lion.
The scientist ran towards the door, sea gulls in hand wanting to make sure his precious porpoises were ok. As he stepped across the lion to get into his house, the police aressted him and threw him in jail. Do you know why?
WARNING LAST CHANCE TO STOP!
He was transporting gulls across a stayed lion for immortal porpoises.
06-20-2002, 01:18 PM
#10
Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Close enough to annoy you.
Posts: 1,381
As with the previous joke, if you can't take PUNishment don't read.
A long time ago there was this little village in a far away land. Just outside the village there was a monastery where several monks of the church resided, attending to their gardens, making wine, helping the poor and other such monkly duties.
The monks had fallen on hard financial times, giving was down, people were not buying their wine so they decided to try become florists, raising flowers and selling them and the like.
Business was booming! The monks couldn't grow flowers fast enough to fill all the orders that were coming in. They decided to delv into some of their ancient texts to see if they could find a way of making the flowers grow and faster.
After a lot of searching they found a method for doing this, but something went horribly wrong. As the monks continued to grow flowers using the instructions in the text, they started to go insane. One day in their insanity they created a living flower with a taste for human flesh! They released the flower on the poor people of the village. (FEED ME SEYMOUR!)
The flower wreaked havoc on the little village, killing people, destroying homes and generally makeing a pest of itself. Nothing the villagers tried to do would stop the evil plant from it's vicious onslaught. He then raided the monstary and killed all the monks dead.
Finally when all hope seemed lost, Hugh the local forester ran into the village and chopped the flower into itty bitty bits. The locals rejoiced! They made a statue of Hugh in the village, declared a holliday in his honor and an amazing number of children were named after him. (Making the teachers life miserable I may add) A law was also passed forbidding monks to get invovled with floristry ever again.
This story was passed down from generation to generation, told by mothers to their children at their bed side. The moral was thus:
(Again, stop if you can't deal with it)
Remember children, only Hugh can stop florist friars.
A long time ago there was this little village in a far away land. Just outside the village there was a monastery where several monks of the church resided, attending to their gardens, making wine, helping the poor and other such monkly duties.
The monks had fallen on hard financial times, giving was down, people were not buying their wine so they decided to try become florists, raising flowers and selling them and the like.
Business was booming! The monks couldn't grow flowers fast enough to fill all the orders that were coming in. They decided to delv into some of their ancient texts to see if they could find a way of making the flowers grow and faster.
After a lot of searching they found a method for doing this, but something went horribly wrong. As the monks continued to grow flowers using the instructions in the text, they started to go insane. One day in their insanity they created a living flower with a taste for human flesh! They released the flower on the poor people of the village. (FEED ME SEYMOUR!)
The flower wreaked havoc on the little village, killing people, destroying homes and generally makeing a pest of itself. Nothing the villagers tried to do would stop the evil plant from it's vicious onslaught. He then raided the monstary and killed all the monks dead.
Finally when all hope seemed lost, Hugh the local forester ran into the village and chopped the flower into itty bitty bits. The locals rejoiced! They made a statue of Hugh in the village, declared a holliday in his honor and an amazing number of children were named after him. (Making the teachers life miserable I may add) A law was also passed forbidding monks to get invovled with floristry ever again.
This story was passed down from generation to generation, told by mothers to their children at their bed side. The moral was thus:
(Again, stop if you can't deal with it)
Remember children, only Hugh can stop florist friars.