Some Valuable Life Lessons
09-17-2005, 07:09 AM
#17
Senior Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Ireland
Posts: 907
Seeing that someone was kind enough to unlock the thread again I'll trat you to the full list off the viz website:
SKATEBOARDERS Stop your trousers from falling halfway down your **** by wearing a strip of perforated leather with a buckle around your waist.
Lee Christopher
LADIES Whentreating genital thrush, always ensure you use natural bio-yoghurt and not raspberry flavoured Munch Bunch.
Lee Henman
SKATEBOARDERS When buying trousers, choose a pair which stop around about your ankles as opposed to some point about 10 inches further on.
Ben Keen, Whitley Bay
McDONALD'S Save money on glass by not building a 'window number 1' in your drive throughs as there is invariably never anybody there.
M. B. Lloyd, Fawdon
MINIMISE the chance of stepping in canine pavement deposits when it's too dark to see by taking full length strides with every pace.
Trev
SHOPPERS When buying oranges, get more for your money by peeling them before taking them to the counter to be weighed.
Jason Orange, Manchester
LEFT wing celebrities. When offered an OBE or similar gong, don't 'accept it begrudgingly', saying you disagree with system, but it is churlish to turn it down. Simply tell them to **** off and keep your credibility.
T Thorne, Hexham
US GOVERNMENT Repay the millions of pounds, all the lives of British soldiers and the embarrassment of ever-yone supporting the US invasion of Iraq by increasing the cost of paperwork needed for UK citizens to visit your country for 6 months to $600, then make them wait half a day at immigration and treat them like ****. Underline the irony of the situation by repeatedly banging on about how the USA has no truer friend than Great Britain.
Diccon Cooper
NEW Zealand tax inspectors. Save time by scrapping the section on the IR3 form asking people to declare 'income from illegal enterprises' as it is unlikely to elicit a great deal of response.
M. Barrymore, New Zealand
SINGLE men. Get a glimpse of married life by taping Woman's Hour on Radio 4, then playing it back at a higher volume than the TV whilst trying to watch something on Discovery Wings.
Graham Marsh
RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.
J Calabas
ENJOY indoor snorkling by filling a bath with water, then removing the plug quickly putting your mouth over it and breathing through the overflow.
A Mawdsley
FOOL everyone into thinking you have just eaten an apple by rubbing your tummy and saying loudly "Mmm! That was a lovely apple."
Brian Clark
ROYAL princes. Develop a 'knee problem' before entering military service, then you can quit a few weeks later 'devastated' by the crushing blow life has dealt you.
Sgt Sergeant
DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.
Ryan McCaffrey
WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.
Nick Pettigrew, London
GERMANS. Don't waste money on expensive, professionally produced scat movies. Simply set your video to record every athletics meeting involving Paula Radcliffe and Hey Presto! After a couple of years you'll have a scat video library second to none.
Alex W, Newcastle
TIGHT- arsed blokes. At this time of year, only date girls called Natalie, Carol, Holly or Eve. Chances are their birthday is around Christmas and you won't have to shell out for a present until then, by which time they will probably have packed you in.
David Bushell
NUNS at St Cuthbert's School in the early 1970s. Demonstrate a keen sense of irony by calling yourselves the 'Sisters of mercy' whilst beating the **** out of us kids on a daily basis with bamboo canes.
Paul Bradshaw
CONSTIPATED driving instructors. Alleviate your discomfort by disconnecting the dual controls on the car when instructing a new pupil. If a stronger laxative effect is required, do the same thing but with a female learner.
Stanley Etherington
GILLETTE Now that you have been out-manouvred by Wilkinson's Sword with their 4 blade razor as opposed to your pathetic 3, why not catch them off their guard and make a 5 blade model?
Anonymous
LANDLORDS Save thousands of pounds paying hugely inflated monthly rates for Sky Sports by simply painting a small white pint glass with Tippex in the bottom right-hand corner of your TV screen.
Ross Bill
SOLDIERS Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint.
Phil
MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.
A Langley, Broadstairs
FELLAS. Stand outside an Ann Summers shop dressed in a security guard's uniform with a smoke detector in your pocket. When a fit bird walks out, simply press the smoke alarm test button and voila! A free grope!
D Clegg, Cirencester
LEPRECHAUNS. Protect your finances by investing in a tracker fund, rather than relying on an ailing currency and leaving a 300foot technicolour arrow in the sky pointing to where you have hidden it.
David Goodall
BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90?, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.
P Frampton, Chichester
CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a **** before the film starts.
Paul Collins
SMOKERS. 'Every cigarette you smoke takes 10 seconds off your life', health experts say. To combat this, at the end of every day work out how many seconds you have 'lost', and simply go to bed that much later, or wake up that much earlier the next morning. Hey presto! your lost time is returned.
James Powell-Brett
BARE patches on your lawn? Simply stop mowing a patch at the side and let it grow to a significant length. Then, with a rake, sweep it over the bare patch like Sir Bobby Charlton and TV's Robert Robinson do, to create a realistic look of healthy growth.
Tycho Andrews, Fulham
DISCARDED PALLETS make ideal 'designer futons' for style-conscious tramps.
Jamaal
SCRABBLE PLAYERS If you have a Q and a U, try to use the Q for words like 'Qi' or 'Qat'. This will free up the U for words like 'Bum', 'Mum' etc.
Stu
FELLAS Pretend that you are TV's Anthony McPartlin out of Ant and Dec, by looking at yourself in the back of a spoon.
Mark Hudson
BREAKFAST LOVERS Make the 'toast always lands butter side down' myth wrong by dropping your toast, then quickly buttering it before someone sees.
LJB
EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.
Johnny the E
NERVOUS people. Never chew the inside of your cheeks whilst on high strength prescription painkillers.
Matt Hindley
SPOOK owners of cars with tinted windows. Upon seeing one driving past, wink conspiratorially and touch your nose.
Ed Wullbeck
DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.
Fish Kid
PET OWNERS Rats make ideal 'large print' mice for short-sighted cats.
Matthew Phillimore
MARK LAWRENSON When the camera moves away from you in a wide shot on Football Focus, don't do that shifty sideways glance to see if you are still on screen as you get caught every time.
Mark Bates
WOMEN Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a **** anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house after you've been banged.
Lee Cawood, Hull
MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.
Paul Hargreaves
HOME decorators. Use a roller in each hand and halve your painting time.
B&Q, Swallwell
GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending a £50 to yourself by Royal Mail.
Chris, London
ATTENTION shandy drinkers. I've found that mixing Kaliber and Hooch makes a fantastic 'reverse shandy'.
Big Heed, Maidenhead
AMERICANS. Build your houses out of bricks and mortar instead of cheap wood to avoid having them destroyed by hurricanes every few weeks.
Craig Meredith
BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.
Nigel Austin
HAMMER nails through a cricket ball and roll it around in fallen leaves. Hey presto! An Autumn snowball. Cheap and great fun for the kids.
Matt Greatorex
SMARTIES tubes pushed over cats' legs make for a futuristic 'space cat'. For a really space age look, cover the tubes in tin foil as well as your pet's tail. This also works with small dogs and the middles out of kitchen rolls.
Dominic Rickard
MOTHERS Don't use poisonous shampoos on your children's hair to get rid of headlice. Scare them away using a dinner plate and an anglepoise lamp to cast a terrifying 'Independence Day' shadow over your child's head.
A. Feather, Caterham
TEACHERS Avoid fancying 15-year-old girls in your charge by picturing them engaged in much younger activities, such as sucking large lollipops or frolicking naked in a paddling pool.
Bellester Smith
LADIES When invited to a Buckingham Palace garden party, go wearing hair rollers, so that the Queen will think you are going somewhere REALLY important afterwards.
Chris Davies
JULIAN from Anglian Homes Cover up your phone mouthpiece next time you ask your supervisor what to do, and he replies 'make something up.'
Ted Bundy
MEN Make sure that your lady always gets to sleep in the wet patch by ejaculating into her side of the bed before she gets into it.
Manytrix
DEAF PEOPLE Wearing oven gloves outdoors is an ideal way to stop strangers from eavesdropping on your conversation.
Ian Knott, Working
BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.
James Smyth, Hitchin
GRATED cheddar cheese from the supermarket can be squashed tightly together with the fingers to produce a block of cheese, ready for slicing or grating.
Reginald
GENTLEMEN Speed up your lovemaking by playing Benny Hill's theme tune 'Yackety Sax' in the bedroom.
Fisk Kid
NATURALISTS Make your own otter by doing bonsai on a seal.
Julian Barlow, Coggeshall
HOMEOWNERS Don't hesitate to tell the rest of us how much your house has appreciated in value since you bought it. The more frequently you give us updates, the greater will be our delight at your good fortune and our admiration and respect for your financial prescience.
Paul Bradshaw
MEN Can't get a blow job? Simply strip bollock naked, plonk yourself ****-first into an empty dustbin, and you should be able to do it yourself. Use a pile of tyres instead of a dustbin if you require deep throat.
Allen Bethell
LADIES! Putting your mouth and chin inside a pint glass and sucking hard for three minutes is an excellent way to give yourself a "Fred Flintstone" five o'clock shadow.
Michelle Armsponder, Port Sunlight
WHITE wine splashed onto a red wine stain will clean it up quickly. Similarly, fat splashes on clothes can be easily removed by rubbing salad onto the affected area.
Rick Stein, Padstow
ONE ARMED men. If your partner is thinking about getting breast implants, convince her to save money and only get one done.
Sam McCrohan, Guildford
BUSY executives. Don't buy a Dachshund. Their amusing sausage shape means they take 50% longer to stroke than other dogs, and time is money.
R Bowen
ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.
John Hills, Norwich
DON'T waste money on a new car with air-conditioning. Simply buy one that has been in a 'death crash' and let the ghosts keep you cool.
Russ, Sheringham
RAY MEARS Lose those extra pounds by not constantly grazing on grass and leaves like some kind of prize-winning cow.
Daniel Green
ORIGAMI ENTHUSIASTS Save money on expensive brown paper by simply folding Happy Shopper beefburgers. Also your final model can also be grilled, filling your house with the pleasing aroma of tramps' socks.
A. Morris, London
LADIES A 'guide bat' tethered to your finger with a short piece of string is the perfect way to avoid trees and horses in the dark.
G. Lineker
MUMS Make bath nights more fun for the kids by playing 'moth aircraft carrier'. Simply float a shoebox in the bath with a torch attached. Leave a window open for ten minutes, then turn off the bathroom lights and watch as the moths attempt to make their dramatic and dangerous landings.
A Hall
VULCANOLOGISTS If you are ever caught in a volcanic eruption, remember to jump up and down so that your feet are not constantly in the molten lava flow.
Ken Turel, Glasgow
DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.
Paul, South Africa
IN A RUSH? Cook your breakfast egg in half the time by replacing the water in the pan with commercially available brake fluid which boils at 200?c.
Carlos, Northern Ireland
FATHERS. If you have a new-born baby, never made a derogatory comment on your wife's skills as a mother.
Marc Johnson, Palace Hotel, Southend-on-Sea
PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.
Anthony Smales, Beverley
A SIMPLE check that your wife has not accidentally left Flash Toilet Wipes on top of the cistern instead of the usual Andrex moist bum wipes will avoid cross words and marital discord.
Paul Berriman, e-mail
*******. Save yourself a great deal of embarrassment by checking that none of your housemates have come home from work sick and are sleeping in their rooms before you put a **** vid on in the living room with the volume on high.
Lachlan Barker, e-mail
CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.
Tim, e-mail
SAVE money on expensive surround sound home cinema systems by only watching films when the appropriate noises are going on outside, eg watch horror movies when there is a storm on, or cowboy films whilst local drug gangs are fighting it out in the street.
Andy Mansh, Cheltenham
DEPRESSED people Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help', simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.
Stephen McGrath, e-mail
WORM farmers Double your yield by simply cutting every worm in half. Hey presto! Each half will grow into a new worm.
Laurie, France
BAKERS Avoid confusion and imprisonment when carrying desserts through airport customs by referring to Almond and Mocha bombs as Almond and Mocha upside-down cakes.
M Kipling, Guantanamo Bay
MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.
A Corten, Caerleon
IMPOTENT men Don't waste money on expensive drugs like Viagra off the internet. Just let your wife think you don't fancy her.
A Davis, e-mail
WHEN replying to Nigerian lawyers that offer millions in return for a £50.000 finders fee, only send half the money. Keep the rest until you get the paperwork.
Dr Maldwin Palmer, e-mail
JEREMY Beadle When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in your bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser disks.
Gladdy, Airdrie
SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.
Clare Hobley (34E), Manchester
SINGLE men Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.
Tubbs, e-mail
AVOID dogs molesting your leg under the dinner table by coating your trousers below the knee with Ralgex or Firey Jack.
Neil Fortune, Email
RECREATE the smell of farts by opening a pack of Iceland's diced chicken.
Grant Warner, New Malden
DIABOLISTS For the full effect when photographing Satan, make sure to switch off your camera's red-eye reduction feature.
Paul Bradshaw, Email
BOIL an egg to perfection without costly eggtimers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.
James Bell, Email
GUYS. If your lady's reluctant to swallow, make her eat halloumi cheese to get her used to the taste.
E.C. McG., Canterbury
BI-CURIOUS men. Go to a male doctor and complain of rectal bleeding. The resultant erotic **** probe will be a safe way to find out whether gayness is really for you.
Terry Wilson, Wallasey
ALCOHOLICS Don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.
Ed Freeman, Email
A POST-IT note stuck beneath the nose is an ideal deterrent to lip-readers.
Bryn Littleton, Chester-le-Street
McDONALD'S Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.
Richard Karslake, Oxon
Mark
SKATEBOARDERS Stop your trousers from falling halfway down your **** by wearing a strip of perforated leather with a buckle around your waist.
Lee Christopher
LADIES Whentreating genital thrush, always ensure you use natural bio-yoghurt and not raspberry flavoured Munch Bunch.
Lee Henman
SKATEBOARDERS When buying trousers, choose a pair which stop around about your ankles as opposed to some point about 10 inches further on.
Ben Keen, Whitley Bay
McDONALD'S Save money on glass by not building a 'window number 1' in your drive throughs as there is invariably never anybody there.
M. B. Lloyd, Fawdon
MINIMISE the chance of stepping in canine pavement deposits when it's too dark to see by taking full length strides with every pace.
Trev
SHOPPERS When buying oranges, get more for your money by peeling them before taking them to the counter to be weighed.
Jason Orange, Manchester
LEFT wing celebrities. When offered an OBE or similar gong, don't 'accept it begrudgingly', saying you disagree with system, but it is churlish to turn it down. Simply tell them to **** off and keep your credibility.
T Thorne, Hexham
US GOVERNMENT Repay the millions of pounds, all the lives of British soldiers and the embarrassment of ever-yone supporting the US invasion of Iraq by increasing the cost of paperwork needed for UK citizens to visit your country for 6 months to $600, then make them wait half a day at immigration and treat them like ****. Underline the irony of the situation by repeatedly banging on about how the USA has no truer friend than Great Britain.
Diccon Cooper
NEW Zealand tax inspectors. Save time by scrapping the section on the IR3 form asking people to declare 'income from illegal enterprises' as it is unlikely to elicit a great deal of response.
M. Barrymore, New Zealand
SINGLE men. Get a glimpse of married life by taping Woman's Hour on Radio 4, then playing it back at a higher volume than the TV whilst trying to watch something on Discovery Wings.
Graham Marsh
RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.
J Calabas
ENJOY indoor snorkling by filling a bath with water, then removing the plug quickly putting your mouth over it and breathing through the overflow.
A Mawdsley
FOOL everyone into thinking you have just eaten an apple by rubbing your tummy and saying loudly "Mmm! That was a lovely apple."
Brian Clark
ROYAL princes. Develop a 'knee problem' before entering military service, then you can quit a few weeks later 'devastated' by the crushing blow life has dealt you.
Sgt Sergeant
DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.
Ryan McCaffrey
WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.
Nick Pettigrew, London
GERMANS. Don't waste money on expensive, professionally produced scat movies. Simply set your video to record every athletics meeting involving Paula Radcliffe and Hey Presto! After a couple of years you'll have a scat video library second to none.
Alex W, Newcastle
TIGHT- arsed blokes. At this time of year, only date girls called Natalie, Carol, Holly or Eve. Chances are their birthday is around Christmas and you won't have to shell out for a present until then, by which time they will probably have packed you in.
David Bushell
NUNS at St Cuthbert's School in the early 1970s. Demonstrate a keen sense of irony by calling yourselves the 'Sisters of mercy' whilst beating the **** out of us kids on a daily basis with bamboo canes.
Paul Bradshaw
CONSTIPATED driving instructors. Alleviate your discomfort by disconnecting the dual controls on the car when instructing a new pupil. If a stronger laxative effect is required, do the same thing but with a female learner.
Stanley Etherington
GILLETTE Now that you have been out-manouvred by Wilkinson's Sword with their 4 blade razor as opposed to your pathetic 3, why not catch them off their guard and make a 5 blade model?
Anonymous
LANDLORDS Save thousands of pounds paying hugely inflated monthly rates for Sky Sports by simply painting a small white pint glass with Tippex in the bottom right-hand corner of your TV screen.
Ross Bill
SOLDIERS Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint.
Phil
MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.
A Langley, Broadstairs
FELLAS. Stand outside an Ann Summers shop dressed in a security guard's uniform with a smoke detector in your pocket. When a fit bird walks out, simply press the smoke alarm test button and voila! A free grope!
D Clegg, Cirencester
LEPRECHAUNS. Protect your finances by investing in a tracker fund, rather than relying on an ailing currency and leaving a 300foot technicolour arrow in the sky pointing to where you have hidden it.
David Goodall
BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90?, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.
P Frampton, Chichester
CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a **** before the film starts.
Paul Collins
SMOKERS. 'Every cigarette you smoke takes 10 seconds off your life', health experts say. To combat this, at the end of every day work out how many seconds you have 'lost', and simply go to bed that much later, or wake up that much earlier the next morning. Hey presto! your lost time is returned.
James Powell-Brett
BARE patches on your lawn? Simply stop mowing a patch at the side and let it grow to a significant length. Then, with a rake, sweep it over the bare patch like Sir Bobby Charlton and TV's Robert Robinson do, to create a realistic look of healthy growth.
Tycho Andrews, Fulham
DISCARDED PALLETS make ideal 'designer futons' for style-conscious tramps.
Jamaal
SCRABBLE PLAYERS If you have a Q and a U, try to use the Q for words like 'Qi' or 'Qat'. This will free up the U for words like 'Bum', 'Mum' etc.
Stu
FELLAS Pretend that you are TV's Anthony McPartlin out of Ant and Dec, by looking at yourself in the back of a spoon.
Mark Hudson
BREAKFAST LOVERS Make the 'toast always lands butter side down' myth wrong by dropping your toast, then quickly buttering it before someone sees.
LJB
EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.
Johnny the E
NERVOUS people. Never chew the inside of your cheeks whilst on high strength prescription painkillers.
Matt Hindley
SPOOK owners of cars with tinted windows. Upon seeing one driving past, wink conspiratorially and touch your nose.
Ed Wullbeck
DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.
Fish Kid
PET OWNERS Rats make ideal 'large print' mice for short-sighted cats.
Matthew Phillimore
MARK LAWRENSON When the camera moves away from you in a wide shot on Football Focus, don't do that shifty sideways glance to see if you are still on screen as you get caught every time.
Mark Bates
WOMEN Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a **** anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house after you've been banged.
Lee Cawood, Hull
MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.
Paul Hargreaves
HOME decorators. Use a roller in each hand and halve your painting time.
B&Q, Swallwell
GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending a £50 to yourself by Royal Mail.
Chris, London
ATTENTION shandy drinkers. I've found that mixing Kaliber and Hooch makes a fantastic 'reverse shandy'.
Big Heed, Maidenhead
AMERICANS. Build your houses out of bricks and mortar instead of cheap wood to avoid having them destroyed by hurricanes every few weeks.
Craig Meredith
BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.
Nigel Austin
HAMMER nails through a cricket ball and roll it around in fallen leaves. Hey presto! An Autumn snowball. Cheap and great fun for the kids.
Matt Greatorex
SMARTIES tubes pushed over cats' legs make for a futuristic 'space cat'. For a really space age look, cover the tubes in tin foil as well as your pet's tail. This also works with small dogs and the middles out of kitchen rolls.
Dominic Rickard
MOTHERS Don't use poisonous shampoos on your children's hair to get rid of headlice. Scare them away using a dinner plate and an anglepoise lamp to cast a terrifying 'Independence Day' shadow over your child's head.
A. Feather, Caterham
TEACHERS Avoid fancying 15-year-old girls in your charge by picturing them engaged in much younger activities, such as sucking large lollipops or frolicking naked in a paddling pool.
Bellester Smith
LADIES When invited to a Buckingham Palace garden party, go wearing hair rollers, so that the Queen will think you are going somewhere REALLY important afterwards.
Chris Davies
JULIAN from Anglian Homes Cover up your phone mouthpiece next time you ask your supervisor what to do, and he replies 'make something up.'
Ted Bundy
MEN Make sure that your lady always gets to sleep in the wet patch by ejaculating into her side of the bed before she gets into it.
Manytrix
DEAF PEOPLE Wearing oven gloves outdoors is an ideal way to stop strangers from eavesdropping on your conversation.
Ian Knott, Working
BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.
James Smyth, Hitchin
GRATED cheddar cheese from the supermarket can be squashed tightly together with the fingers to produce a block of cheese, ready for slicing or grating.
Reginald
GENTLEMEN Speed up your lovemaking by playing Benny Hill's theme tune 'Yackety Sax' in the bedroom.
Fisk Kid
NATURALISTS Make your own otter by doing bonsai on a seal.
Julian Barlow, Coggeshall
HOMEOWNERS Don't hesitate to tell the rest of us how much your house has appreciated in value since you bought it. The more frequently you give us updates, the greater will be our delight at your good fortune and our admiration and respect for your financial prescience.
Paul Bradshaw
MEN Can't get a blow job? Simply strip bollock naked, plonk yourself ****-first into an empty dustbin, and you should be able to do it yourself. Use a pile of tyres instead of a dustbin if you require deep throat.
Allen Bethell
LADIES! Putting your mouth and chin inside a pint glass and sucking hard for three minutes is an excellent way to give yourself a "Fred Flintstone" five o'clock shadow.
Michelle Armsponder, Port Sunlight
WHITE wine splashed onto a red wine stain will clean it up quickly. Similarly, fat splashes on clothes can be easily removed by rubbing salad onto the affected area.
Rick Stein, Padstow
ONE ARMED men. If your partner is thinking about getting breast implants, convince her to save money and only get one done.
Sam McCrohan, Guildford
BUSY executives. Don't buy a Dachshund. Their amusing sausage shape means they take 50% longer to stroke than other dogs, and time is money.
R Bowen
ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.
John Hills, Norwich
DON'T waste money on a new car with air-conditioning. Simply buy one that has been in a 'death crash' and let the ghosts keep you cool.
Russ, Sheringham
RAY MEARS Lose those extra pounds by not constantly grazing on grass and leaves like some kind of prize-winning cow.
Daniel Green
ORIGAMI ENTHUSIASTS Save money on expensive brown paper by simply folding Happy Shopper beefburgers. Also your final model can also be grilled, filling your house with the pleasing aroma of tramps' socks.
A. Morris, London
LADIES A 'guide bat' tethered to your finger with a short piece of string is the perfect way to avoid trees and horses in the dark.
G. Lineker
MUMS Make bath nights more fun for the kids by playing 'moth aircraft carrier'. Simply float a shoebox in the bath with a torch attached. Leave a window open for ten minutes, then turn off the bathroom lights and watch as the moths attempt to make their dramatic and dangerous landings.
A Hall
VULCANOLOGISTS If you are ever caught in a volcanic eruption, remember to jump up and down so that your feet are not constantly in the molten lava flow.
Ken Turel, Glasgow
DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.
Paul, South Africa
IN A RUSH? Cook your breakfast egg in half the time by replacing the water in the pan with commercially available brake fluid which boils at 200?c.
Carlos, Northern Ireland
FATHERS. If you have a new-born baby, never made a derogatory comment on your wife's skills as a mother.
Marc Johnson, Palace Hotel, Southend-on-Sea
PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.
Anthony Smales, Beverley
A SIMPLE check that your wife has not accidentally left Flash Toilet Wipes on top of the cistern instead of the usual Andrex moist bum wipes will avoid cross words and marital discord.
Paul Berriman, e-mail
*******. Save yourself a great deal of embarrassment by checking that none of your housemates have come home from work sick and are sleeping in their rooms before you put a **** vid on in the living room with the volume on high.
Lachlan Barker, e-mail
CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.
Tim, e-mail
SAVE money on expensive surround sound home cinema systems by only watching films when the appropriate noises are going on outside, eg watch horror movies when there is a storm on, or cowboy films whilst local drug gangs are fighting it out in the street.
Andy Mansh, Cheltenham
DEPRESSED people Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help', simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.
Stephen McGrath, e-mail
WORM farmers Double your yield by simply cutting every worm in half. Hey presto! Each half will grow into a new worm.
Laurie, France
BAKERS Avoid confusion and imprisonment when carrying desserts through airport customs by referring to Almond and Mocha bombs as Almond and Mocha upside-down cakes.
M Kipling, Guantanamo Bay
MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.
A Corten, Caerleon
IMPOTENT men Don't waste money on expensive drugs like Viagra off the internet. Just let your wife think you don't fancy her.
A Davis, e-mail
WHEN replying to Nigerian lawyers that offer millions in return for a £50.000 finders fee, only send half the money. Keep the rest until you get the paperwork.
Dr Maldwin Palmer, e-mail
JEREMY Beadle When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in your bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser disks.
Gladdy, Airdrie
SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.
Clare Hobley (34E), Manchester
SINGLE men Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.
Tubbs, e-mail
AVOID dogs molesting your leg under the dinner table by coating your trousers below the knee with Ralgex or Firey Jack.
Neil Fortune, Email
RECREATE the smell of farts by opening a pack of Iceland's diced chicken.
Grant Warner, New Malden
DIABOLISTS For the full effect when photographing Satan, make sure to switch off your camera's red-eye reduction feature.
Paul Bradshaw, Email
BOIL an egg to perfection without costly eggtimers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.
James Bell, Email
GUYS. If your lady's reluctant to swallow, make her eat halloumi cheese to get her used to the taste.
E.C. McG., Canterbury
BI-CURIOUS men. Go to a male doctor and complain of rectal bleeding. The resultant erotic **** probe will be a safe way to find out whether gayness is really for you.
Terry Wilson, Wallasey
ALCOHOLICS Don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.
Ed Freeman, Email
A POST-IT note stuck beneath the nose is an ideal deterrent to lip-readers.
Bryn Littleton, Chester-le-Street
McDONALD'S Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.
Richard Karslake, Oxon
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