Onstar?
11-12-2003, 03:37 PM
#1
Senior Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 4,985
Narrator: "This is an actual transcript from an Onstar representative helping a person in need".
Onstar: "Thank you for using your Onstar system, my name is Derek, how can I help you today".
Mike: (sounding as if he were in a BIG hurry) "I gotta get into my van right now and it's locked from the inside. I can't find my keys!".
Onstar: "Yes sir, calm down, could I have your name please?".
Mike: "My name's Mike, what the hell difference does that make I gotta get into my van!".
Onstar: "Sir, what is the nature of your emergency?".
Mike: "Jesus Christ can't you just take my phone number or some ****, c'mon!".
Onstar: (hearing funny clicking noises in the background) "Sir, can I ask what the nature of the emergency is?".
Mike: "OK, ****, ****, YOU BASTARDS!!" (sounds of pounding on metal).
Onstar: "Sir!?!, Sir!?!".
Mike: "Look, my ******* wife and my best friend are in the back of my van and he's banging the **** out of her. They've locked me out and won't let me in!".
Narrator: "NO matter what the emergency or where your vehicle is, an Onstar representative can unlock your vehicle instantly even if you are one thousand miles away".
Onstar: "Sir, do you have youe account number?".
Mike: "****! Goddammit! Hold on. (sound of mike putting something down, a rustle of papers and some female screams in the background) here it is, here it is, 564 XXX XXXX". Hurry up!".
Onstar "Was that 564 XXX XXXX?".
Mike: "Yes!!!! C'mon, I think she's cumming" (sounds of escalating screams and moans in the background some male, some female).
Onstar "Ok sir, is your van out in the open?".
Mike: "No, it's in my garage is that a problem?". (more screams, more clicking).
Onstar: "Sir, what is that clicking noise?".
Mike: "Nothing, don't worry about it. Are you gonna open my van or what?".
Onstar: "Ok sir, I'm sending a signal now to open the locks on your van. You may here it or you may not".
Mike: "ok, is it unlocked?".
Onstar: "Yes sir, it should be unlocked".
(sound of van door opening)
Mike: "YOU ******* (click click BOOM! click click BOOM! click click BOOM! sounds of female and male screaming, female voice says YOU KILLED HIM YOU ******!!!) NOW IT'S YOUR TURN BITCH!! click click BOOM! click click BOOM! click click BOOM!!!! Cheating ******* *****. Derek you still there? (Mike is breathing very heavily now)".
Onstar: "Uhhh..yes sir I am".
Mike: "You got a great service here Derek, Thanks. See you in hell click click BOOM!!!!!!! (sound of more than one thing hitting the floor, dead silence).
Onstar: "Thank you for using Onstar and have a nice day".
Narrator: "Onstar, we're there when you need us. Contact your local Onstar representative for details."
God I hate those commercials.
Onstar: "Thank you for using your Onstar system, my name is Derek, how can I help you today".
Mike: (sounding as if he were in a BIG hurry) "I gotta get into my van right now and it's locked from the inside. I can't find my keys!".
Onstar: "Yes sir, calm down, could I have your name please?".
Mike: "My name's Mike, what the hell difference does that make I gotta get into my van!".
Onstar: "Sir, what is the nature of your emergency?".
Mike: "Jesus Christ can't you just take my phone number or some ****, c'mon!".
Onstar: (hearing funny clicking noises in the background) "Sir, can I ask what the nature of the emergency is?".
Mike: "OK, ****, ****, YOU BASTARDS!!" (sounds of pounding on metal).
Onstar: "Sir!?!, Sir!?!".
Mike: "Look, my ******* wife and my best friend are in the back of my van and he's banging the **** out of her. They've locked me out and won't let me in!".
Narrator: "NO matter what the emergency or where your vehicle is, an Onstar representative can unlock your vehicle instantly even if you are one thousand miles away".
Onstar: "Sir, do you have youe account number?".
Mike: "****! Goddammit! Hold on. (sound of mike putting something down, a rustle of papers and some female screams in the background) here it is, here it is, 564 XXX XXXX". Hurry up!".
Onstar "Was that 564 XXX XXXX?".
Mike: "Yes!!!! C'mon, I think she's cumming" (sounds of escalating screams and moans in the background some male, some female).
Onstar "Ok sir, is your van out in the open?".
Mike: "No, it's in my garage is that a problem?". (more screams, more clicking).
Onstar: "Sir, what is that clicking noise?".
Mike: "Nothing, don't worry about it. Are you gonna open my van or what?".
Onstar: "Ok sir, I'm sending a signal now to open the locks on your van. You may here it or you may not".
Mike: "ok, is it unlocked?".
Onstar: "Yes sir, it should be unlocked".
(sound of van door opening)
Mike: "YOU ******* (click click BOOM! click click BOOM! click click BOOM! sounds of female and male screaming, female voice says YOU KILLED HIM YOU ******!!!) NOW IT'S YOUR TURN BITCH!! click click BOOM! click click BOOM! click click BOOM!!!! Cheating ******* *****. Derek you still there? (Mike is breathing very heavily now)".
Onstar: "Uhhh..yes sir I am".
Mike: "You got a great service here Derek, Thanks. See you in hell click click BOOM!!!!!!! (sound of more than one thing hitting the floor, dead silence).
Onstar: "Thank you for using Onstar and have a nice day".
Narrator: "Onstar, we're there when you need us. Contact your local Onstar representative for details."
God I hate those commercials.
11-12-2003, 04:29 PM
#6
Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Cowgill , Missouri
Posts: 370
But you ppl don't find it a VERY VERY VERY BAD THING, that they can shut off yer car or unlock your car anytime, anywhere!!? Onstar is EVIIIILLLLLLL.......(I don't know if they can shut off yer car thru Onstar, but i remember reading an article on the onstar system in the 32v Northstar in a Cadillac, and if you were running from the cops, they called Onstar and bam, Onstar shut down the car........scary **** indeed)
Sean
Sean
11-12-2003, 04:46 PM
#7
Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Houston Texas
Posts: 1,142
Originally Posted by CrashFactory' date='Nov 12 2003, 02:29 PM
But you ppl don't find it a VERY VERY VERY BAD THING, that they can shut off yer car or unlock your car anytime, anywhere!!? Onstar is EVIIIILLLLLLL.......(I don't know if they can shut off yer car thru Onstar, but i remember reading an article on the onstar system in the 32v Northstar in a Cadillac, and if you were running from the cops, they called Onstar and bam, Onstar shut down the car........scary **** indeed)
Sean
Sean
11-12-2003, 04:56 PM
#8
Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Cowgill , Missouri
Posts: 370
But what if there was some crazy stalker cop after you, and you're trying to get away, cuz he wants to **** rape you, all he has to do is call Onstar and say i am Officer Shitpoker and my id is 666-1337-001, we have a blue Caddy with license plate blah blah blah at mile marker 187 on 66 hwy, we need it shut down....BAM you're SOL and you get full body searched with a dick in yer...well you know....
SEAN
SEAN
11-12-2003, 04:58 PM
#9
Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Cowgill , Missouri
Posts: 370
And i just caught the running over kids part ROFL, YOU HAVE A POINT!!!!!
Sean
"I just can't seem to find the time to visit family, with all the kids i run over, i spend 7 days a week in court, trying to explain that they deserved it...dumb *** loud punks....where did i put my glasses!? and me TEETH!?..no good punks prolly stole em, bastards.."
Sean
"I just can't seem to find the time to visit family, with all the kids i run over, i spend 7 days a week in court, trying to explain that they deserved it...dumb *** loud punks....where did i put my glasses!? and me TEETH!?..no good punks prolly stole em, bastards.."
11-12-2003, 05:01 PM
#10
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Ames, IA
Posts: 4,773
Originally Posted by CrashFactory' date='Nov 12 2003, 04:56 PM
But what if there was some crazy stalker cop after you, and you're trying to get away, cuz he wants to **** rape you, all he has to do is call Onstar and say i am Officer Shitpoker and my id is 666-1337-001, we have a blue Caddy with license plate blah blah blah at mile marker 187 on 66 hwy, we need it shut down....BAM you're SOL and you get full body searched with a dick in yer...well you know....
SEAN
SEAN
666-1337-001. I want that to be my phone number.