This is for men who're
10-15-2002, 08:40 PM
#1
Senior Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2001
Posts: 259
1) How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
2. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a
woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine
will probably never be able to support you.
3. Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them
to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
4. How do you know when a woman is about to say
something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me. . ."
5. How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
6. Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the
required pressure.
7. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife
is yelling at the front door, whom do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
8. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.
9. I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was "Always."
10. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months
I don't like to interrupt her.
11. What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.
12. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It is called Wedding Cake.
13. Marriage is a 3-ring circus Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring,
Suffering.
14. Our last fight was my fault:
My wife asked me. "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
15. Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
16. Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a
man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
17. A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds: "Wife Wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same
thing: "You can have mine."
18. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget
it once.
19. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk
down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they
are beautiful.
20. Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don't?
Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed.
Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go to the
refrigerator.
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
2. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a
woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine
will probably never be able to support you.
3. Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them
to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
4. How do you know when a woman is about to say
something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me. . ."
5. How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
6. Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the
required pressure.
7. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife
is yelling at the front door, whom do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
8. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.
9. I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was "Always."
10. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months
I don't like to interrupt her.
11. What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.
12. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It is called Wedding Cake.
13. Marriage is a 3-ring circus Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring,
Suffering.
14. Our last fight was my fault:
My wife asked me. "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
15. Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
16. Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a
man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
17. A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds: "Wife Wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same
thing: "You can have mine."
18. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget
it once.
19. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk
down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they
are beautiful.
20. Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don't?
Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed.
Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go to the
refrigerator.
10-15-2002, 08:51 PM
#4
Senior Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 343
Training courses are now available for women on the following
subjects:
1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits.
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits.
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait until After The
Game.
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet too.
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His.
7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the first.
8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking.
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without nagging.
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire.
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up.
12. Introduction to Parking.
13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space.
14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat.
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter.
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption.
17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People.
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully.
19. PMS: Your Problem . .. . Not His.
20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To.
21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have.
22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women notice.
23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together.
24. Oil and Petrol: Your Car Needs Both.
25. TV Remotes: For Men Only.
26. Getting ready to go out: Start the day before.
Please register immediately as courses are in great demand.
subjects:
1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits.
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits.
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait until After The
Game.
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet too.
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His.
7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the first.
8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking.
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without nagging.
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire.
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up.
12. Introduction to Parking.
13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space.
14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat.
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter.
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption.
17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People.
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully.
19. PMS: Your Problem . .. . Not His.
20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To.
21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have.
22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women notice.
23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together.
24. Oil and Petrol: Your Car Needs Both.
25. TV Remotes: For Men Only.
26. Getting ready to go out: Start the day before.
Please register immediately as courses are in great demand.
10-15-2002, 08:52 PM
#5
Senior Member
Join Date: May 2002
Posts: 108
There were these two guys having lunch one day when the first guy says to the second one, "You ever say one thing to someone when you meant to say something else?" "How do you mean?" says the second one. "Well last week I was at the airport in Philly and I wanted to come back here to Pittsburgh and the women at the counter had these enormous breats so instead of asking for two tickets to Pittsburgh, I asked for two pickets to Tittsburgh." "I know what you mean.", says the second guy. "Why just this morning I was having breakfast with my wife and I meant to ask her to pass the the jelly but instead I said 'You're ruining my life you stupid bitch!'" 
10-15-2002, 08:52 PM
#6
Senior Member
Join Date: May 2002
Posts: 108
A woman dies and the husband provided a wonderful funeral. After the ceremony the pall bearers lifted the casket and began to move down the aisle. As they rounded a corner they bumped into a wall and jarred the casket. From inside a moan was heard and sure enough, they opened the casket and she was still alive. The woman lived for ten more years and finally died. Again the same funeral home and another wonderful ceremony. As the pall bearers lifted the casket and began to move down the aisle the husband cried out, "Watch out for the ******' wall!"
10-15-2002, 08:54 PM
#8
Senior Member
Join Date: May 2002
Posts: 108
A lady in her late 40's went to a plastic surgeon for a facelift. The doctor told her of a new procedure called 'The ****.' A small **** is planted on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up the skin, forever producing the effect of a brand-new facelift. Of course, the woman wanted 'The ****.' Fifteen years later, the woman went back to the surgeon with two problems. "All these years, everything had been working just fine. I've had to turn "The ****" on lots of occasions and I've loved the results. However, now I've developed two annoying problems. First of all, now I have these terrible bags under my eyes and 'The ****' won't get rid of them!" The doctor looked at her and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts. You've turned 'The ****' too tight!" She replied,"Well, I guess that explains the goatee."
