THE JOKE THREAD
11-20-2002, 07:08 PM
#21
Senior Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Maryland
Posts: 3,867
Originally Posted by UniqueTII' date='Nov 20 2002, 03:17 PM
What's better than winning a gold medal in the special olympics?
Not being retarded.
I'm going to hell first.
Not being retarded.
I'm going to hell first.
-Whats the first 3 words in a mexican cookbook?
"steal a chicken"
-Why doesn't mexico have an olympic team?
anyone who can run, jump, or swim is already here
-How do you say "**** You" in Hebrew?
"Trust Me"
11-20-2002, 09:38 PM
#22
Super Moderator
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Savannah, Ga
Posts: 2,763
Originally Posted by sunshine' date='Nov 20 2002, 11:09 AM
A Georgian couple (The country, not the state - Know for having bad hygeine habits) walks into a pet store. He husband says to the wife...Honey, its our annyversary, you can have anything you want from here. She takes her time a looks around for a while, then she grabs a skunk and says "this is what I want". The husband says ok, but "what are you gonna do with the skunk?" She says "Well I'm gonna put it down my pants of course!" The husband responds..."but what about the smell?" She anwsers, "if it dies, it dies"
j/k
93 R1 and uniqueTII, good ones :bigok:
11-20-2002, 10:10 PM
#23
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Wi nøt trei a høliday in Sweden this yër?
Posts: 1,113
hopefully this won't offend anyone
/RACIST JOKE-MODE ON/
a mexican, a white guy and a black guy are walking on a beach and they find a bottle. they rub it and out pops a genie. the genie says 'thank you from freeing me from that horrible place. since there are three of you, i will grant you each one wish.
the mexican goes first, 'i want all my people to be happy and back in mexico'
POOF! all the mexicans are back in mexico.
the black guy goes next, ' i wany all my people to be happy and back in africa'
POOF! all the black people are back in africa
the white guy is last 'you mean to tell me all the mexicans* and blacks* are out of this country?'
the genie answers 'yes'
the white guy replies 'oh, i guess i'll have a coke then'
*substitute derogatory terms here.
/RACIST JOKE-MODE OFF/
/RACIST JOKE-MODE ON/
a mexican, a white guy and a black guy are walking on a beach and they find a bottle. they rub it and out pops a genie. the genie says 'thank you from freeing me from that horrible place. since there are three of you, i will grant you each one wish.
the mexican goes first, 'i want all my people to be happy and back in mexico'
POOF! all the mexicans are back in mexico.
the black guy goes next, ' i wany all my people to be happy and back in africa'
POOF! all the black people are back in africa
the white guy is last 'you mean to tell me all the mexicans* and blacks* are out of this country?'
the genie answers 'yes'
the white guy replies 'oh, i guess i'll have a coke then'
*substitute derogatory terms here.
/RACIST JOKE-MODE OFF/
11-20-2002, 10:20 PM
#24
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Wi nøt trei a høliday in Sweden this yër?
Posts: 1,113
Q: what did the seven dwarfs say when the prince woke up Snow White?
A: ****, i guess it's back to jerking off
Q: What do you call a hillbilly who owns sheep and goats?
A: bisexual
A: ****, i guess it's back to jerking off
Q: What do you call a hillbilly who owns sheep and goats?
A: bisexual
11-21-2002, 02:10 AM
#25
Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: Jacksonville, FL
Posts: 324
A guy calles his local radio show and says what hangs upside down and has small *****?
The D.J. replys I don't know.
The caller says a Bat.
The caller says what has big ***** and hangs up?
The D.J. says I don't know..
All the D.J. herd after that was "CLICK"!!
The D.J. replys I don't know.
The caller says a Bat.
The caller says what has big ***** and hangs up?
The D.J. says I don't know..
All the D.J. herd after that was "CLICK"!!
11-21-2002, 07:18 AM
#26
Super Moderator
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Tallahassee, FL
Posts: 5,425
Originally Posted by RXheaven13b' date='Nov 21 2002, 03:10 AM
A guy calles his local radio show and says what hangs upside down and has small *****?
The D.J. replys I don't know.
The caller says a Bat.
The caller says what has big ***** and hangs up?
The D.J. says I don't know..
All the D.J. herd after that was "CLICK"!!
The D.J. replys I don't know.
The caller says a Bat.
The caller says what has big ***** and hangs up?
The D.J. says I don't know..
All the D.J. herd after that was "CLICK"!!
11-21-2002, 07:51 AM
#27
Super Moderator
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: My BIG ol TURBO-DIESEL
Posts: 5,181
The Parrot
> >
> >
> > A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a
> > little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says
> aloud,
> > "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
> >
> > The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.
> >
> > "Holy ****," the guy replies. "You actually understood and
> > answered me!"
> >
> > "I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly
> > intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."
> >
> > "Oh yeah?", the guy asks,"Then answer this....How do you hang
> > onto your perch without any feet?"
> >
> > "Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since
> you
> > asked, I wrap my 'willie' around this wooden bar like a little
> > hook.
> > You can't see it because of my feathers."
> >
> > "Wow" says the guy. "You really can understand and speak
> > English, can't you! ?"
> >
> > "Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse
> > with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics,
> > religion,
> > sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at
> ornithology.
> > You
> > really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
> >
> > The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't
> > afford that."
> >
> > "Passssst" says the parrot...."I'm defective, so the truth is,
> > nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You probably
> > can get me for $20. Just make the guy an offer!"
> >
> > The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by.
> > The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's
> > interesting, he's a pal, he understands everything, he
> > sympathizes,
> > and he's insightful.
> >
> > The guy is delighted. One day he comes home from work and the
> > parrot goes "Psssssssssss! t" and motions him over with one
> wing.
> > "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about
> your
> > wife
> > and the postman."
> >
> > "What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
> >
> > "When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at
> > the door in a sheer black nightly and kissed him
> passionately."
> > "WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously.
> >
> > "THEN what happened?" "Well, then the postman came into the
> > house and lifted up her nighty and began petting her all
> over,"
> > reported the parrot.
> >
> > "My God!" he exclaims. "Then what?"
> >
> > "Then he lifted up her nighty, got down on his knees and began
> > to kiss her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly
> going
> > down..
> >
> > "WELL???" demands the frantic guy. "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
> >
> > Damned if Iknow, I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."
>
> >
> >
> > A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a
> > little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says
> aloud,
> > "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
> >
> > The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.
> >
> > "Holy ****," the guy replies. "You actually understood and
> > answered me!"
> >
> > "I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly
> > intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."
> >
> > "Oh yeah?", the guy asks,"Then answer this....How do you hang
> > onto your perch without any feet?"
> >
> > "Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since
> you
> > asked, I wrap my 'willie' around this wooden bar like a little
> > hook.
> > You can't see it because of my feathers."
> >
> > "Wow" says the guy. "You really can understand and speak
> > English, can't you! ?"
> >
> > "Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse
> > with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics,
> > religion,
> > sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at
> ornithology.
> > You
> > really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
> >
> > The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't
> > afford that."
> >
> > "Passssst" says the parrot...."I'm defective, so the truth is,
> > nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You probably
> > can get me for $20. Just make the guy an offer!"
> >
> > The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by.
> > The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's
> > interesting, he's a pal, he understands everything, he
> > sympathizes,
> > and he's insightful.
> >
> > The guy is delighted. One day he comes home from work and the
> > parrot goes "Psssssssssss! t" and motions him over with one
> wing.
> > "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about
> your
> > wife
> > and the postman."
> >
> > "What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
> >
> > "When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at
> > the door in a sheer black nightly and kissed him
> passionately."
> > "WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously.
> >
> > "THEN what happened?" "Well, then the postman came into the
> > house and lifted up her nighty and began petting her all
> over,"
> > reported the parrot.
> >
> > "My God!" he exclaims. "Then what?"
> >
> > "Then he lifted up her nighty, got down on his knees and began
> > to kiss her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly
> going
> > down..
> >
> > "WELL???" demands the frantic guy. "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
> >
> > Damned if Iknow, I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."
>
11-21-2002, 07:52 AM
#28
Super Moderator
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: My BIG ol TURBO-DIESEL
Posts: 5,181
The Perks of Being Over 40...
1. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
2. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember
them either.
3. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national
weather service.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into
the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay
off.
18. You can't remember who sent you this list.
1. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
2. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember
them either.
3. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national
weather service.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into
the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay
off.
18. You can't remember who sent you this list.
11-21-2002, 07:52 AM
#29
Super Moderator
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: My BIG ol TURBO-DIESEL
Posts: 5,181
hree women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they
>get
> > there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven...don't
>step
>on
> > the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all
>over
> > the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although
>they
> > try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on
>one.
> > Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter
>chains
> > them together and says "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to
>spend
> > eternity chained to this ugly man!" The next day, the second woman
>steps
> > accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a
>thing,
> > and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together
>with
>the
> > same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed
>all
> > this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is
> > very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without
> > stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the
>most
> > handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eye-lashes,
> > muscular, and thin.
> > St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The woman
>remarks,
>"I
> > wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
>The
> > guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
>get
> > there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven...don't
>step
>on
> > the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all
>over
> > the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although
>they
> > try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on
>one.
> > Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter
>chains
> > them together and says "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to
>spend
> > eternity chained to this ugly man!" The next day, the second woman
>steps
> > accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a
>thing,
> > and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together
>with
>the
> > same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed
>all
> > this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is
> > very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without
> > stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the
>most
> > handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eye-lashes,
> > muscular, and thin.
> > St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The woman
>remarks,
>"I
> > wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
>The
> > guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"