I laughed!
11-25-2005, 10:42 AM
#1
Senior Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: London, Ontario
Posts: 2,871
They're Back! Church Bulletins: Thank God for church ladies with
typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were
announced in church services:
-------------------------------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
----------------------------------------------------------
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight:
"Searching for Jesus."
----------------------------------------------------------
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the
recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
----------------------------------------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those
things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
----------------------------------------------------------
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a
conflict.
----------------------------------------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at
someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much
about you.
----------------------------------------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
----------------------------------------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious
pleasure to the congregation.
----------------------------------------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.
----------------------------------------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help
they can get.
----------------------------------------------------------
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will
sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
----------------------------------------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.
So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
----------------------------------------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music
will follow.
----------------------------------------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?"
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
----------------------------------------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several
new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
----------------------------------------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
----------------------------------------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person
you want remembered.
----------------------------------------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and
gracious hostility.
----------------------------------------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
----------------------------------------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be
seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
----------------------------------------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from
the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
-------------------------------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are
invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
----------------------------------------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would
lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
----------------------------------------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the
back door.
----------------------------------------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church
basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this
tragedy.
----------------------------------------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please
use large double door at the side entrance.
----------------------------------------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan
last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours"
typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were
announced in church services:
-------------------------------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
----------------------------------------------------------
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight:
"Searching for Jesus."
----------------------------------------------------------
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the
recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
----------------------------------------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those
things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
----------------------------------------------------------
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a
conflict.
----------------------------------------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at
someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much
about you.
----------------------------------------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
----------------------------------------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious
pleasure to the congregation.
----------------------------------------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.
----------------------------------------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help
they can get.
----------------------------------------------------------
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will
sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
----------------------------------------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.
So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
----------------------------------------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music
will follow.
----------------------------------------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?"
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
----------------------------------------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several
new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
----------------------------------------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
----------------------------------------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person
you want remembered.
----------------------------------------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and
gracious hostility.
----------------------------------------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
----------------------------------------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be
seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
----------------------------------------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from
the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
-------------------------------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are
invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
----------------------------------------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would
lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
----------------------------------------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the
back door.
----------------------------------------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church
basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this
tragedy.
----------------------------------------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please
use large double door at the side entrance.
----------------------------------------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan
last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours"
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