Grrr! Do You Know Susan Wal-martian?
08-09-2005, 11:21 AM
#1
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Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: My BIG ol TURBO-DIESEL
Posts: 5,181
Grrr! Do You Know Susan Wal-Martian?
Monday, August 08, 2005
By Mike Straka
When it comes to annoying the average citizen, Susan Wal-Martian takes the cake.
She thinks that cans of dog food — no matter how many — count as just one item. Therefore, when she enters the express checkout lane (10 items or less) with 24 cans of dog food, plus nine other items, by golly, she's well within her rights.
Of course, she pushes her cart into the nearest empty parking space after loading her goods into her Hummer, because walking a few more feet to the cart corral is just too much to ask.
Besides, she says, "Somebody gets paid to round up those carts. It's not my job."
After leaving the store, Susan has a problem merging onto the highway with such a large vehicle, so she sits at the yield sign and waits until there is absolutely no traffic in the right lane, wondering why people behind her are leaning on their horns.
When Susan Wal-Martian is hungry she likes to go to Subway for the low-fat sandwiches (Incidentally, a note to Subway: Lose Jared). Anyway, Susan goes to Subway practically every day during her lunch break.
But no matter how many times she's been there, the concept of knowing what she wants when she gets to the front of the line is way too much for her. No matter how long she's been waiting to order, she still has to ponder the merits of the plain Italian roll versus the Parmesan cheese alternative.
At the grocery store, Susan is delighted to see her next-door neighbors, whom she doesn't deign to speak with at home, but she'll block the cereal aisle with her cart to blab endlessly with them, catching up on the last five years.
Never mind the people sighing loudly as they maneuver by her. She doesn't even notice.
At her favorite restaurant, it's very important for Susan to let her waiter or waitress know that she is a regular customer, so she'll give them a review of exactly what was wrong with her last meal there, and then order the exact same thing.
In the morning, Susan is very keen on smelling good, so right before she gets out of her car she sprays a considerable amount of her White Diamonds perfume all over her, so she's smelling of powdery flowers for the packed elevator ride up to her office.
"You never know who'll take notice."
Yeah, how about the allergy police!
Anyway, look around you. Susan Wal-Martian is close at hand. She may even be in the mirror.
Monday, August 08, 2005
By Mike Straka
When it comes to annoying the average citizen, Susan Wal-Martian takes the cake.
She thinks that cans of dog food — no matter how many — count as just one item. Therefore, when she enters the express checkout lane (10 items or less) with 24 cans of dog food, plus nine other items, by golly, she's well within her rights.
Of course, she pushes her cart into the nearest empty parking space after loading her goods into her Hummer, because walking a few more feet to the cart corral is just too much to ask.
Besides, she says, "Somebody gets paid to round up those carts. It's not my job."
After leaving the store, Susan has a problem merging onto the highway with such a large vehicle, so she sits at the yield sign and waits until there is absolutely no traffic in the right lane, wondering why people behind her are leaning on their horns.
When Susan Wal-Martian is hungry she likes to go to Subway for the low-fat sandwiches (Incidentally, a note to Subway: Lose Jared). Anyway, Susan goes to Subway practically every day during her lunch break.
But no matter how many times she's been there, the concept of knowing what she wants when she gets to the front of the line is way too much for her. No matter how long she's been waiting to order, she still has to ponder the merits of the plain Italian roll versus the Parmesan cheese alternative.
At the grocery store, Susan is delighted to see her next-door neighbors, whom she doesn't deign to speak with at home, but she'll block the cereal aisle with her cart to blab endlessly with them, catching up on the last five years.
Never mind the people sighing loudly as they maneuver by her. She doesn't even notice.
At her favorite restaurant, it's very important for Susan to let her waiter or waitress know that she is a regular customer, so she'll give them a review of exactly what was wrong with her last meal there, and then order the exact same thing.
In the morning, Susan is very keen on smelling good, so right before she gets out of her car she sprays a considerable amount of her White Diamonds perfume all over her, so she's smelling of powdery flowers for the packed elevator ride up to her office.
"You never know who'll take notice."
Yeah, how about the allergy police!
Anyway, look around you. Susan Wal-Martian is close at hand. She may even be in the mirror.
08-09-2005, 11:35 AM
#2
Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Dallas Texas (Oak Cliff)
Posts: 210
you forgot.....when Susan likes to set her Hummer on cruise control at 55mph on the left lane and wonder why everyone flips her off while passing her, or when she goes to the far turn only lane because there is less traffic and since her vehicle is bigger everyone should let her cut in after she decides she doesnt want to turn after all. Even better when she rides your bumper while you are doing 70 in a 60 passes you and slows to 55..............Susan-walmartian needs to be shot. There is days I wish it was legal to shoot dumbass drivers...........I'd be out of bullets and my dash full of notches of each dumbass I had shot. My car would have potato guns pointed out the front, the back, oil slick button, pull a lever and a box of sheet rock nails, screws, and HD staples fall from my rear bumber ala James Bond...there would be a lot of dead Susan-walmartians......maybe that's why my girl dont want me getting a CHL. 
08-09-2005, 11:06 PM
#4
Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: Jacksonville, FL
Posts: 324
What bothers me the most here in jax is the people who feel they need to stop when turning on a side road or into a parking lot, i will slow down but i'm not stoping for there dumb ***.
And they think all of yellow is the same as green and the first part of red is the same as yellow. When my light turns GREEN i put my ford aspire with around 85 HP to the floor and try to get it out of it's own way. I'm not going to sit around, it's my turn to go.
And dont get me started with the cell phones. They were once used for emergencies only. Now people have a living room on wheels.
My car dont have anything i dont need, it just gets me to work and back.
I try not to **** around.
And they think all of yellow is the same as green and the first part of red is the same as yellow. When my light turns GREEN i put my ford aspire with around 85 HP to the floor and try to get it out of it's own way. I'm not going to sit around, it's my turn to go.
And dont get me started with the cell phones. They were once used for emergencies only. Now people have a living room on wheels.
My car dont have anything i dont need, it just gets me to work and back.
I try not to **** around.
08-10-2005, 12:47 PM
#10
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Tulsa, OK
Posts: 739
yeah, its hilarious. She's always at falwell.com, or the moral majority website, or letsbombabortionclinics.org, or some kind of christian hate group site, and she always eyeballs other people's monitors...so of course I've always got a dedicated badreligion.com window and a marilynmanson.com window up, that I can alt-tab to when she's looking just to watch her skin crawl with imagery that others have told her she should blindly hate. Oh, did I mention she owns an SUV that she is incapable of controlling or parking, AND she does the perfume spray thing?
Her elbows have dimples. I have pics.
Her elbows have dimples. I have pics.