Diary of a Snow Shoveler





December 8 6:00 PM It started to snow. The first

snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails

and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft

flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma

Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again.

I love snow!



December 9 We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal

white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a

fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the

whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had!

Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again.

I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon

the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks

and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What

a perfect life!



December 12 The sun has melted all our lovely snow.

Such a disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry;

we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on

Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much

snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow

again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man,

I'm glad he's our neighbor.



December 14 Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night.

The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything

sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed

up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the

life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried

everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite

this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this

way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.



December 15 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and

bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car

and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants

a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's

silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.



December 16 Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ***

on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell.

The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.



December 17 Still way below freezing. Roads are too

icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had

to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but

stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've

bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate

it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in

my own living room.



December 20 Electricity's back on, but had another 14

inches of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling! Took

all day. The damn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find

a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy

playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only

hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower

and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I

think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city

will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.



December 22 Bob was right about a white Christmas

because 13 more inches of the white **** fell today, and

it's so cold, it probably won't melt till August. Took me

45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and

then I had to ****. By the time I got undressed, pissed

and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to

hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the

winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the ******* is

lying.



December 23 Only 2 inches of snow today. And it

warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the

front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!!

Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She

says she did but I think she's lying.



December 24 6 inches - Snow packed so hard by

snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having

a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who

drives that snow plow, I'll drag him through the snow

by his ***** and beat him to death with my broken shovel.

I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to

finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at

100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've

just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas

carols with her and open our presents, but I was too

busy watching for the damn snowplow.



December 25 Merry @$#%@# Christmas! 20 more

inches of the damn slop tonight - Snowed in. The idea

of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the

snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a

donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel.

The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a

fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life"

one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.



December 26 Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever

move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on

my nerves.



December 27 Temperature dropped to -30 and the

pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for

him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.



December 28 Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed

in. The BITCH is driving me crazy!!!



December 29 10 more inches. Bob says I have to

shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest

thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?



December 30 Roof caved in. I beat up the snow

plow driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars,

not only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to

shove the broken snow shovel up his ***. The wife went

home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.



December 31 I set fire to what's left of the house. No

more shoveling.



January 8 Feel so good. I just love those little white

pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

 

Jah, funny!!

 

i chuckled. my mom called yesterday, they are up in oregon, and she's happy to shovel the driveway, all day, in a snow storm... and when the neighbor comes by and offers to snowblow the driveway, they turn him away

 

^Hey, what a coincidence! Your mom called me yesterday too. Something about plowing up to her backdoor?



Steve

 

 

haha, awesome

 

you would too, you depraved lunatic

 

wahahahahaha thats funny

 

good thread lol i liked the story. i wish it would snow in jersey!!!!