Creat Your Own Suicide Letter
02-26-2004, 01:48 PM
#1
omghi2u
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 7,259
http://www.porkjerky.com/suicide.htm
lets see whats yours says
here is mine:
Dear Fellow Pawns;
For the last decade, I have lived a lie that I can no longer go on with. I have started each of the last 3,762 days by convincing myself that McDonald's would bring back the Double ZestaBurger--if only for a limited time and at only select locations. It was the only way I could get myself out of bed and through the day. Alas, I can no longer lie to myself about my future. I now accept that it is bleak. I do not control my destiny, nor my happiness.
Like all of you, I am just a pawn in McDonald's global marketing plan. The same company that has returned the McRib 193 limited times in the last 10 years has never given my well-being a second thought.
Well, McDonalds--You win. You have killed the will, spirit, and soul of Ryan. Now my body will follow. Thankfully, I will be going to a better place. A place where my existence won't rely on decieving myself. A place where my happiness won't be controlled by a multi-national conglomeration of grill cooks in cheap suits. While my body will be buried in the same ground where Ray Kroc's is surely spinning; my soul will be with his in heaven. Not here in purgatory controlled by the whims of MBA's from Hamburger U. Together Ray and I will forever feast on that delicious ambrosia, the Double Zesta Burger.
Sincerely,
Ryan
P.S. I cemented/superglued all my orifices shut, so you coroner ****** can't steal my fillings or sex up my corpse.
lets see whats yours says
here is mine:
Dear Fellow Pawns;
For the last decade, I have lived a lie that I can no longer go on with. I have started each of the last 3,762 days by convincing myself that McDonald's would bring back the Double ZestaBurger--if only for a limited time and at only select locations. It was the only way I could get myself out of bed and through the day. Alas, I can no longer lie to myself about my future. I now accept that it is bleak. I do not control my destiny, nor my happiness.
Like all of you, I am just a pawn in McDonald's global marketing plan. The same company that has returned the McRib 193 limited times in the last 10 years has never given my well-being a second thought.
Well, McDonalds--You win. You have killed the will, spirit, and soul of Ryan. Now my body will follow. Thankfully, I will be going to a better place. A place where my existence won't rely on decieving myself. A place where my happiness won't be controlled by a multi-national conglomeration of grill cooks in cheap suits. While my body will be buried in the same ground where Ray Kroc's is surely spinning; my soul will be with his in heaven. Not here in purgatory controlled by the whims of MBA's from Hamburger U. Together Ray and I will forever feast on that delicious ambrosia, the Double Zesta Burger.
Sincerely,
Ryan
P.S. I cemented/superglued all my orifices shut, so you coroner ****** can't steal my fillings or sex up my corpse.
02-26-2004, 01:56 PM
#2
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Ames, IA
Posts: 4,773
Weird...mine is accurate.
Listen Up Dumbfucks:
Most people kill themselves because of a mental condition. This is true in my case too. The condition I suffer from is that I am not normal, I am not like every "sane" person in the world.
I am not normal in the sense that I am not like every other one of you brain-dead zombies. I can think. I can reason intelligently. I can observe and learn from life. I can make my own decisions and follow through on them. And I can do these without any aid from celebrities, T.V. or radio. Unfortunately, every one of you ****-brained lemmings in the world seem to lack these skills and I can't ******* take it any more.
Since everyone else in this world is a ******* retarded drone who revels in their ignorance and unintelligence, I must put an end to my misery. I truly wish I was normal. I wish I could be a ******* retarded drone ***** like all of you. I wish I could have the same conversations day in and day out about sports, politics, or "how about that weather, huh?" But I cant. Sure you'll see this note and say Ed's the crazy one. You have to it's the only way you can go on thinking you're sane and your pathetic life is meaningful. Go ahead, call me the weirdo like everyone else surely will. Then return to your happiness of everyday mindless monotony.
My only wish is that the bullet I put into my brain doesn't kill me but only leaves me brain dead. For if ignorance is bliss and everyone of you ****-for-brains is truly happy, then living a life without a brain stem in a coma must surely be utopia.
Leave my machine plugged in you ******* retards,
Ed
P.S. Please don't look in the closet.
Listen Up Dumbfucks:
Most people kill themselves because of a mental condition. This is true in my case too. The condition I suffer from is that I am not normal, I am not like every "sane" person in the world.
I am not normal in the sense that I am not like every other one of you brain-dead zombies. I can think. I can reason intelligently. I can observe and learn from life. I can make my own decisions and follow through on them. And I can do these without any aid from celebrities, T.V. or radio. Unfortunately, every one of you ****-brained lemmings in the world seem to lack these skills and I can't ******* take it any more.
Since everyone else in this world is a ******* retarded drone who revels in their ignorance and unintelligence, I must put an end to my misery. I truly wish I was normal. I wish I could be a ******* retarded drone ***** like all of you. I wish I could have the same conversations day in and day out about sports, politics, or "how about that weather, huh?" But I cant. Sure you'll see this note and say Ed's the crazy one. You have to it's the only way you can go on thinking you're sane and your pathetic life is meaningful. Go ahead, call me the weirdo like everyone else surely will. Then return to your happiness of everyday mindless monotony.
My only wish is that the bullet I put into my brain doesn't kill me but only leaves me brain dead. For if ignorance is bliss and everyone of you ****-for-brains is truly happy, then living a life without a brain stem in a coma must surely be utopia.
Leave my machine plugged in you ******* retards,
Ed
P.S. Please don't look in the closet.
02-26-2004, 01:56 PM
#3
Super Moderator
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Tallahassee, FL
Posts: 5,425
sweet!
hehe, "accident" is hilarious, especially when paired with "gay ****"
Dear World;
I am not some psychotic **** or pathetic loser trying to end my worthless existence. Nor am I one of these pussies using "suicide" as a cry for help. I kill myself tonight as king of the world. Things could not be better.
Which is why I leave this world. Things just can't get better. I have reached the pinnacle of life, and not just my life, the zenith of existence itself. Bliss, Nirvana, Utopia. I am at the top of the mountain, not at the bottom like most suicidal *****. Unfortunately, knowing that, I cannot go forward with the days ahead because they will never again be as good as tonight. I just snorted not 1, but 2 lines of coke off of not 2, but 3 girls' chests. Then we all 4 made sweet beautiful love. The kind of tender sweet beautiful love they sing rap songs about. Then we washed rinsed and repeated it all.
It is truly the best night that could ever be, which is why it must end tonight. Life can now only get worse. Nothing is left for me here in this world. Every seemingly joyous moment from here forward would be compared to tonight and fall miserably short. I will never surpass the level of happiness that I have tonight. So, I'm going out on top, high as hell, feeling good, and my seed spread across the faces of 3 beautiful women. It's nice to be me.
Viva Life,
Sheldon
P.S. Please mail my cable bill, it's on the credenza.
I am not some psychotic **** or pathetic loser trying to end my worthless existence. Nor am I one of these pussies using "suicide" as a cry for help. I kill myself tonight as king of the world. Things could not be better.
Which is why I leave this world. Things just can't get better. I have reached the pinnacle of life, and not just my life, the zenith of existence itself. Bliss, Nirvana, Utopia. I am at the top of the mountain, not at the bottom like most suicidal *****. Unfortunately, knowing that, I cannot go forward with the days ahead because they will never again be as good as tonight. I just snorted not 1, but 2 lines of coke off of not 2, but 3 girls' chests. Then we all 4 made sweet beautiful love. The kind of tender sweet beautiful love they sing rap songs about. Then we washed rinsed and repeated it all.
It is truly the best night that could ever be, which is why it must end tonight. Life can now only get worse. Nothing is left for me here in this world. Every seemingly joyous moment from here forward would be compared to tonight and fall miserably short. I will never surpass the level of happiness that I have tonight. So, I'm going out on top, high as hell, feeling good, and my seed spread across the faces of 3 beautiful women. It's nice to be me.
Viva Life,
Sheldon
P.S. Please mail my cable bill, it's on the credenza.
hehe, "accident" is hilarious, especially when paired with "gay ****"
02-26-2004, 02:01 PM
#5
Super Moderator
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: My BIG ol TURBO-DIESEL
Posts: 5,181
Dear NOPISTONS;
I wish everyone could know the pain I live with every day of my miserable life. Alas no. Statistics tells me only 1 in every 30,000 adult males has a ***** less than 4 inches long and 2 inches around. Only they, my wee wienied brethren can even begin to understand the hurt I feel when I step up to a urinal and my stream of urine is only slightly smaller than the 3.28 inch long, 1.67 inch wide ****** that it springs from.
I have tried pumps, creams, exercises, and god forbid; even praying. Nothing works, not even marginally on my miniscule member. So, everyday I try to lie to the world about possessing a petite pecker by peeling out in my non-existant RX-7, strutting around in expensive suits, talking about my mansion, dating strippers to show the world my virility and constantly crowing about my colossal crotch. But my Armani suits are just expensive costumes to hide my teeny-tiny tallywacker. My gigantic house is where I sit alone with my dwarf johnson. And the truth is the only thing I can stretch when it comes to my freakishly feeble frankfurter. Day in and day out I used to ask myself, "norotorinmypocket what would jesus do with a small *****"? After hours of reading the bible, searching my soul and peering at my puny *****, I know now that there is no jesus.
And now that I am no longer a moderator my life as we know it is worthless. The cash-flow posse has disowned me, even they are bright enough to know I am dim, with no hope of rehabillitation past second grade phonics.
norotorinmypocket
P.S. Don't do an autopsy this is definitely suicide.
I wish everyone could know the pain I live with every day of my miserable life. Alas no. Statistics tells me only 1 in every 30,000 adult males has a ***** less than 4 inches long and 2 inches around. Only they, my wee wienied brethren can even begin to understand the hurt I feel when I step up to a urinal and my stream of urine is only slightly smaller than the 3.28 inch long, 1.67 inch wide ****** that it springs from.
I have tried pumps, creams, exercises, and god forbid; even praying. Nothing works, not even marginally on my miniscule member. So, everyday I try to lie to the world about possessing a petite pecker by peeling out in my non-existant RX-7, strutting around in expensive suits, talking about my mansion, dating strippers to show the world my virility and constantly crowing about my colossal crotch. But my Armani suits are just expensive costumes to hide my teeny-tiny tallywacker. My gigantic house is where I sit alone with my dwarf johnson. And the truth is the only thing I can stretch when it comes to my freakishly feeble frankfurter. Day in and day out I used to ask myself, "norotorinmypocket what would jesus do with a small *****"? After hours of reading the bible, searching my soul and peering at my puny *****, I know now that there is no jesus.
And now that I am no longer a moderator my life as we know it is worthless. The cash-flow posse has disowned me, even they are bright enough to know I am dim, with no hope of rehabillitation past second grade phonics.
norotorinmypocket
P.S. Don't do an autopsy this is definitely suicide.
02-26-2004, 02:27 PM
#6
Member
Join Date: Mar 2003
Posts: 87
I like this one!
Dear Ungrateful World;
Although everyone on Earth has failed to give me even half the accolades and adulation that should go with me, Pyrrian, being the 3rd coming of christ, I will still fulfill my destiny. For you insolent pukes, I will shed my blood to once again open the gates of heaven.
Start erecting statues, singing songs, scoring touchdowns and doing other **** for my glory, because you ******* owe me big,
Jesus Christ III
a.k.a. Pyrrian
P.S. Tell everyone I'm not psychotic.
Dear Ungrateful World;
Although everyone on Earth has failed to give me even half the accolades and adulation that should go with me, Pyrrian, being the 3rd coming of christ, I will still fulfill my destiny. For you insolent pukes, I will shed my blood to once again open the gates of heaven.
Start erecting statues, singing songs, scoring touchdowns and doing other **** for my glory, because you ******* owe me big,
Jesus Christ III
a.k.a. Pyrrian
P.S. Tell everyone I'm not psychotic.
02-26-2004, 04:56 PM
#7
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Schofield Barracks, HI
Posts: 2,259
Dear Fellow Followers of God;
There comes a time in every person's life when god calls upon them to ritualistically remove their own liver. For me, that time is at hand. And I, Mike, am not a blasphemer. Nor am I disillusioned about the consequences of fulfilling god's edict. I know that at best I will be left bileless, most likely dead. Let this be my last testament. Let it be known that while my body lies here in Applebee's bathroom full of riblettes and those little cheese thingies, but empty of a liver; the rest of me is in a better place and surrounded by the spirit of the lord.
Rejoice: Do not mourn or question.
Kudos to the lord,
Mike
P.S. I hope all that jesus and god and heaven bullshit is real.
There comes a time in every person's life when god calls upon them to ritualistically remove their own liver. For me, that time is at hand. And I, Mike, am not a blasphemer. Nor am I disillusioned about the consequences of fulfilling god's edict. I know that at best I will be left bileless, most likely dead. Let this be my last testament. Let it be known that while my body lies here in Applebee's bathroom full of riblettes and those little cheese thingies, but empty of a liver; the rest of me is in a better place and surrounded by the spirit of the lord.
Rejoice: Do not mourn or question.
Kudos to the lord,
Mike
P.S. I hope all that jesus and god and heaven bullshit is real.
02-26-2004, 05:00 PM
#8
Senior Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Dallas/ Ft Worth
Posts: 236
Originally Posted by Pyrrian' date='Feb 26 2004, 12:27 PM
Start erecting statues, singing songs, scoring touchdowns and doing other **** for my glory, because you ******* owe me big,
P.S. Tell everyone I'm not psychotic.
P.S. Tell everyone I'm not psychotic.
Your not psychotic... just a few excedrin tablets short of a medicine cabinet
02-26-2004, 05:21 PM
#9
Senior Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Posts: 5,547
LMFAO
Dear Ungrateful World;
Although everyone on Earth has failed to give me even half the accolades and adulation that should go with me, Damir, being the 3rd coming of christ, I will still fulfill my destiny. For you insolent pukes, I will shed my blood to once again open the gates of heaven.
Start erecting statues, singing songs, scoring touchdowns and doing other **** for my glory, because you ******* owe me big,
Jesus Christ III
a.k.a. Damir
P.S. I hope all that jesus and god and heaven bullshit is real.
Dear Ungrateful World;
Although everyone on Earth has failed to give me even half the accolades and adulation that should go with me, Damir, being the 3rd coming of christ, I will still fulfill my destiny. For you insolent pukes, I will shed my blood to once again open the gates of heaven.
Start erecting statues, singing songs, scoring touchdowns and doing other **** for my glory, because you ******* owe me big,
Jesus Christ III
a.k.a. Damir
P.S. I hope all that jesus and god and heaven bullshit is real.