Airline Repair Humor
10-20-2003, 04:40 AM
#1
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Cambridge, England
Posts: 43
Quantus Airlines
The lesson to be learned from these repair notes is that as long as
you have a sense of humor you will never have an accident even though
you may crack up.
Quantus Airlines:
After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet,
which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft
during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and
correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form
what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets
before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and
engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance
complaints and problems as submitted by Quantas pilots and the solution recorded
by maintenance engineers. By the way, Quantas is the only major
a! irline that has never had an accident.
(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the mechanics.)
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a
200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot duplicate problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Su! spect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
The lesson to be learned from these repair notes is that as long as
you have a sense of humor you will never have an accident even though
you may crack up.
Quantus Airlines:
After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet,
which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft
during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and
correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form
what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets
before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and
engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance
complaints and problems as submitted by Quantas pilots and the solution recorded
by maintenance engineers. By the way, Quantas is the only major
a! irline that has never had an accident.
(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the mechanics.)
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a
200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot duplicate problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Su! spect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
10-20-2003, 08:51 AM
#3
Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: Jensen Beach, FL / Sylva, NC
Posts: 2,934
I used to read the Aviation trade magazines and they had some funny stories.
I have seen them before but still laughed at them when I read them again.
On one flight the pilot came on the p.a. and told the passangers that they were going to have to make a hard left turn for a couple of seconds and to sit tight.
The reason for the turn was to get one last cup out of the coffe urn.
There was a Small commercial aircraft that would take passangers from island to island in the Carribean. The pilot would put on a printed touristy shirt and sit with the passangers. After a few minutes he would start complaining about the lack of a pilot. He would finally get up and sit in the pilots seat and thumb through a flight manual rambling on about he will just fly the plane himself. Once he got it started he would take off his shirt to expose his captains uniform and would do his normal welcome abord blah airlines. It would scare the crap out of the passangers. Always good for a good laugh.
I have seen them before but still laughed at them when I read them again.
On one flight the pilot came on the p.a. and told the passangers that they were going to have to make a hard left turn for a couple of seconds and to sit tight.
The reason for the turn was to get one last cup out of the coffe urn.
There was a Small commercial aircraft that would take passangers from island to island in the Carribean. The pilot would put on a printed touristy shirt and sit with the passangers. After a few minutes he would start complaining about the lack of a pilot. He would finally get up and sit in the pilots seat and thumb through a flight manual rambling on about he will just fly the plane himself. Once he got it started he would take off his shirt to expose his captains uniform and would do his normal welcome abord blah airlines. It would scare the crap out of the passangers. Always good for a good laugh.
10-20-2003, 10:41 AM
#7
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Cambridge, England
Posts: 43
Good stuff huh?? You should see what some of our pilots say after they land. You know that one about the OFF position, a pilot could not get a sub-system to work and tried to do the checklist 3 times. When he showed me what he did, I reached up and turned the POWER ON switch on. He got so pissed off at himself and stormed off the airplane! IT WAS GREAT!!
